He had 730 chances..........

On the two year anniversary of it all I think of the space between, between my old life and my new one......730 days approximately have passed and there have been 730 chances for him to make some kind of amends and clear some of the smoggy space that remains between us.....an elephant always standing between us anytime we see each other......a distance created by lack of communication.......and the only reason I can communicate at all is because I have chosen to rise above and communicate with his girlfriend.....to follow whatever rules they have in their lives, or whatever situation has been created,.....and it works for now......but I see those 730 days as missed opportunities on his part......a chance to free himself of some of the guilt and shame he carries in his day to day.....clear as day......but yet he let them all pass by......and he doesn't understand that freedom could be found there for him......I am not sure anybody that hasn't walked my path, can truly understand how difficult it is to move past something so enormous and heal, and all the rest, without any closure or apology or acknowledgement......I have spoken many times of the wrestling I have done with this topic.....and that there came a point when I surrendered that part too.....knowing that in a real sense there isn't much he could say that would help....but she and I have made some sort of amends and it did help some.....so I may be wrong about that......and in my interactions with her and what she has said to me, and my willingness to accept it points to my desire to forgive.....to believe in redemption......to be compassionate to the human condition......it is a deep part of me.......and in his avoidance of me at all costs until he has to, I know that that speaks to the fact that he knows what he has done......otherwise he could be more free to have a normal relationship with me......as the co parent of his children and the mother of his children.......and his guilt and shame create a mountain between us........and I guess as I type this that maybe I DID think he would have bridged that gap in the last two years somehow......that time would have solved it some.....but it never does.....in fact it just becomes more and more awkward every time we see each other, and if I didn't make the efforts I have with his girlfriend and with him, it would be unbearable......and I have surrendered the need to hear him say the things I think he should......this healing journey I am on is not dependent upon that......I am clear on all of that.......and his apologizing to me or acknowledging what I think he should isn't going to keep me stuck......if anything his unwillingness to do those things have created a prison for himself not me.......I have taken the 730 chances since we began walking different paths, to heal and grow and be healthy and strong......I would be lying if I said there won't be a small part of me that will hope that one day he is brave enough to do that......to clear out some of that awful energy between us and let the elephant rest.......forever optimistic.....but also realistic........