"How old would you be, if you didn't know how old you are?" Good question huh? :) This is my second birthday on the other side of my marriage......I am 46......and you know what something about that number sounds one way but feels another......I feel super young these days.......not feeling like I am nearing 50......viewing my age as the midway point on this marathon called life! But the youthful feeling that has consumed my life these days was not present at the end of my marriage......I felt old........I felt my age.......I felt tired.......I was aware of my gray hairs, my glasses all of it.......and subtly reminded of it too.........I didn't know I was being compared to a younger woman for the longest time.......but I am guessing that is where the subtle messages stemmed from......and the thing is when somebody does that......sometimes we step in line and become a part of the narrative they have created.......be who they tell us we are.......or think we are.......so I spent some time feeling older.......feeling not as fun.......feeling a whole bunch of things that were not me.......and didn't come from me.........that dynamic was ever present.... I was the responsible one, the one that took care of the things etc......and so it wasn't a stretch to step into those things fully.......so when he left.......so did those feelings.......I discovered I am not old.......discovered I don't feel old......discovered I had endless energy in my day to day......discovered that I get to feel young and vibrant......I get to decide.........I get to decide that my age doesn't define me.......and guess what? I am never feeling old again......I don't have to........I get to feel any way I want.......age truly is just a number......and you are only as young as you feel.....and I think the self care stuff I do directly affects how great I feel......my magical mornings;-) it has turned the clock back for me......made me feel much younger, maybe even younger than when I was chronologically young.....I always carried around heavy responsibility in this life.......often responsibility that did not belong to me..........responsibility that belonged to other people.......and even though now that my responsibility is larger in some ways......the weight of it doesn't hit me the same....and doesn't make me feel overburdened.......it doesn't feel heavy.......or too much........we really do get to decide how we feel......we certainly don't need to give that power over to another person.......and I don't plan on doing that again......I want to find somebody some day that encourages my youthful feelings......summons them......continues to give them life:) The woman I am today could not have lived in the environment my marriage provided, that is true........and part of that makes me a little sad sometimes......but the other part knows this woman wasn't made for that life or that story or that man.....anymore.......so I embrace 46, feel so grateful to have seen 46 years on this earth! What a gift that is! And I look forward to my next year and whatever blessings and adventures it holds:)
jperuso
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