Callous

So much of life is mind over matter right?? I wrote about my resistance in terms of my enormous amount of yard work yesterday....and you know what it wasn't quite as intense as I expected.....I removed 5 large tarp loads of leaves from my flower beds....and it felt good.....I went hard with the rake for about 4 hours.....and it feels so good to be in shape now and be able to do the things I want/need to do with an ease I did not always have.....having my workout efforts translate into my day to day....and I have pretty intense calluses on my hands, this morning, and the funny thing is I already have calluses on my hands on a regular basis in my new life....lifting weights causes them, I know right?? Who knew;-).....and just all my work around here causes them.....and sometimes it is interesting when I observe them.....seeing how they have formed and not always recognizing my hands in the same way I once did;-) but what I thought about yesterday as I raked away is how those calluses are sort of a metaphor for my journey and my new life.....I have talked before about the death of my old self in this story....how a part of me had to die so that I could survive it all......and the part of me that died had thinner skin.....her feelings got hurt more easily....she was softer.....more prone to blind faith and belief in certain things......naive and trusting......and she did not have calluses on her hands;-) and now beyond the calluses I see this morning on my hands.....even one that is pretty raw......I realize I have had to toughen up.....grow thicker skin....callused if you will.....and that skin has been formed by the callous actions of others.....to be callous is to be hardened, insensitive, showing no emotion.......and I have faced that in this story......being treated in really horrible ways by people I trusted and believed in.....shocked at their turning on me and the treatment of me.......and so on the other side of that I have had to transform......adjust......acclimate.......evolve......and not allow those calluses or that callous treatment to harden my heart and soul......in fact quite the opposite has happened......while my skin is tougher.....thicker so to speak......my capacity to love people.....and work toward opening up more has grown......it did not have the intended result....all the callousness I have received from others....... hasn't made me hardened or cruel......it has made me more and more committed to loving on people, and helping people like me, find their way and remain loving and healthy too!:) And I will forever remember the transition between the Jenns.....feeling old Jenn in writhing in agony.....sometimes quite literally........just too sweet and sensitive for the horror that found her......and then feeling her transition to the Jenn that I am today, the one that took control of her life.....started running and getting her head straight, and getting stronger and healthier each day......she fought to be here....calluses and all;-) So I wear my calluses with pride......I earned every single one.....and I take pride in my yard this morning too, it looks much better;-)