Fairness.............

I learned a long time ago that life is not fair. In my soul I have a justice piece that thinks that what you put in to life you get out of life. While I still believe that is true, it certainly doesn't keep bad things from happening to good people. I also believe karma is real, the universe sorts that stuff out, but the day to day life stuff is not fair and certainly not equitable. A huge part of me is struggling with the injustice piece of this situation. I had always had a complicated marriage but always felt it was a strong one, a good one. I always loved my husband with all of my heart and was so proud he was my husband. We had climbed many mountains together and always made it to the top. As I am left in the stillness and silence of our broken life together, I cannot help but feel it is simply not fair. It is not fair that I spent the last two years in marriage counseling with my husband and we did such hard work. Work that was paying off in beautiful ways. It is not fair that I have tried every day for the last twenty years to love somebody in the good, the bad, and the ugly, and keep my commitment. It is not fair that I accepted somebody and loved all of them even if it wasn't perfect. It is not fair that I was blindsided and the husband I thought I had no longer exists, and what is replaced is a man I don't recognize. It is not fair that my kids have to suffer so greatly, and that they need to be changed forever. It is not fair that they have to see such a sad mom right now. That they have to feel for me and feel like they want to protect me because their dad didn't. It is not fair that the three of us have to lose so much for something we didn't do. It is not fair that we are along for a ride that we didn't sign up for. It is not fair that divorce will be hard enough, but because of other circumstances the process will be even more brutal. It is not fair that I have to look at my life and my marriage and feel like it wasn't what I thought it was all along, and the man I thought I was married to all these years didn't exist. It is not fair that I have to look into the pain on my children's faces daily and know I didn't cause it and I can't change it. It is not fair that a life I so carefully built will crumble and I will have to start anew in my 40s. It is not fair that I will have a deep scar on my heart every day for the rest of my life, and it is certainly not fair that I am suffering so each and every day............but as I said life just isn't fair, and I will have to stay the course to make my way through the unfairness and into what awaits me ahead, and know that it will be better than what lies behind me, and let go of the rest.