He will never know........

This stark fact and notion has hit me a few times hard on this journey......and I have explored my feelings surrounding it- but it recently did again, so I am checking in on my pulse on it all........When you experience what I have the notion of "fair" is wildly out of balance......and a trap.......and I used to be somebody that believed in justice and fairness, and sought it out, and tried my best to live by those rules......I blame my Taurus self for that;-)......we like things to be equitable and fair, for us and others.......but this situation required me to release all of that to survive it.......if I had held on to what is fair, I would still be wandering through the darkness, miserable and angry......the truth is life isn't fair, and either is the experience of divorce and infidelity......and I have truly released so much of it, needing to to live in peace and joy as much as I can.......what gets me caught from time to time is my children......he will never know all the pain I have swam through with them.......the months of it.......the sadness they still carry, and the pain I still see and experience in them, and the herculean efforts I have made to try and help them survive it all, as healthy as they can be.....not even to mention all of the endless pain and destruction he has caused me.......the pain I have had to battle my way out of, clawing my way out of the darkness he left behind into the light......he will never know all of that........nor does he care to.............every weekend when the kids go with their dad, my Mads comes home and sobs about her dad not living with her......every single one.......and he doesn't know or see any of it......I stopped sharing with him long ago, because there is no reciprocal communication, no support, so there is no point, and Mads hides her true feelings from him to protect his feelings anyway......so I endure the price of his sins on repeat, over and over and over, still......... over two years later......and sometimes it hits me like a train.......the simple unfairness of that.......I have paid over and over for his actions throughout this situation......I could write an entire book just about that.......I have paid the price emotionally, financially, etc etc, etc......it is endless the ways I have paid the price for HIS actions........HIS actions......yet I was made to suffer clearly, and specifically for that......and sometimes it causes me to marvel........and normally that is in the moment when I am watching my children suffer, and feeling helpless, and the person responsible is nowhere in sight........and it is kinda an astounding thing to experience......and in looking at the nitty gritty justice, I have endured things that did not belong to me.....so many of them......but I am keenly aware......that in the grand scheme of justice, justice has been served in the form of me loving my life, and thriving and flourishing after it all......and being able to be free to be myself, and live in my truth and authenticity, and all of that is worth the smaller places of injustice I have faced.......but damn if it is my children that get me every time......It breaks my heart for them still.......and I see their broken hearts.....from the front row.......so I create a space for them to feel broken hearted......validating their experience......standing in their pain with them......helping them cope......and feeling some kinda way about him every time.......because he will never know.........