I am afraid to lose her.........

And by her I mean me.......there has been some heavy planetary energy afoot that I have been subject to this week.....lots of old wounds stepping forward, and maybe some current ones.....and I think for me the elusive piece in my life has always been in love.....I love love, I really do......am captivated by it, love to give it and receive it.....but the truth is none of my relationships.....all of my life......have been healthy ones......I have never gotten what I have given in any of them.....and that is always a head scratcher for me......I feel like I am intelligent and aware......I am intuitive about people......I feel them deeply.......so why is it that I have previously picked such complicated and troubled humans to love, never getting what I want or need, and worse yet settling for what is there often times.......it is something I am most definitely examining in myself......not willing to do it again.......and I suppose as I believe for all of us......there are central themes in our lives that circle us.......trying to have us get it right.......so this is one of mine most definitely.......to figure out how beautiful relationships develop between people......ones where true friendship reigns as king.....and healthy interactions consume the day to day......and peace and harmony exist.......and love is healthy......and true......and once in a lifetime........but when I think of all of that, I am intoxicated by the idea but then.......I immediately freeze.......freezing in the fear of losing myself again......of having to let go of the woman I fought fiercely to become in this story......after my heartache......after my pain and suffering.......a woman I am now deeply fond of........one that is herself........authentic and true.......and flawed......and all of it......so how do I keep her, inside of any future relationship that comes? That is the million dollar question? And hell if I know.......we all have the ways we do things in this life......how we function in friendships......with our family........with our children........at work.......in the world......and most definitely in romantic relationships.......and some parts of functioning inside a relationship I feel I got knocked.......but some parts I am not sure how to navigate, because I never have been able to with somebody in the ways I want to......so to imagine this Jenn in a relationship is hard.......despite me desiring that someday.......like what will it look like.......or feel like.......I imagine as the rest of my life, it will be like nothing I have ever experienced before......brand new......and that feeling gives me hope......because it would have to be like that for me, to be interested in doing it...... reimagined magic, like the rest of my life has become......and never at the expense of me......never........so most days I don't overthink any of it.......trusting that what comes is what is meant to come, in the exact perfect time.....and what leaves, leaves when it is supposed to too........but the last few days some planetary nudges have brought it to the surface begging the question.......and making me feel fiercely protective of the woman I have become......not wanting to lose her or sacrifice her for anything......so I am giving its presence room to breathe and have its say.....and then faith just steps forward, with its infinite wisdom, and says you will figure it out Jenn.......just like you have all the rest of your new roles in this new story, and the beautiful reality of all of it will surprise and astound you as the rest of it has:)