I am not perfect.......

As this blog is beginning to take on a life of its own, I do not want it in any way to come across as if I was perfect in terms of my marriage. That I have been the perfect wife and mother at every turn. Because that just wouldn't be true. None of us are right? I certainly carried my own set of bags into our marriage all those years ago. I always thought that our baggage was different but complimentary somehow. That somehow those bags were meant to find one another and find a way to be unpacked. I felt like if we both accepted each other where we were, and tried to rise above deep patterns ingrained in us, it would all be OK. However instead those bags seemed to be a source of stress all their own. Mirroring and magnifying each other much of the time. In addition our marriage was constantly challenged with big life stuff; loss, a premature and special needs child, cancer, and the list goes on. It seemed at any given point we found ourselves filling buckets and putting out fires. We almost didn't even have to say a word, and we began to the business of getting our boat back afloat after the storm. It seemed like we had endless challenges. However looking back there were lots of sunny days in the boat too in between those big storms. Those are what I will hold in my heart moving forward. Unfortunately those storms, they changed us both forever. Having these relentless challenges brought challenges and stress to our marriage. Some of which looking back I did not handle very well. I certainly own my part in that too. However in the last two years we had taken on a quest to do therapy together and work really hard at unpacking those bags. It was truly a beautiful experience and one that I will never regret, even though things ended the way they have. We both examined our stuff, looked through those bags..........we pulled out the things we no longer needed to carry, putting them to the side because they no longer served us. In those bags we found things that could stay if they received more attention and care. It was such a deep spiritual experience to be on that path with your spouse and have the same goal in mind. You are probably scratching your head now and asking then what happened? I think what happened is the stuff he took out of the bag made him uncomfortable, he felt like he couldn't fully commit to the idea of not carrying it anymore........ he felt that the only thing he could do was to put it back in the bag..........Unfortunately I didn't know he had done that until it was too late.........As heartbreaking as that is, I will move forward down the road with a much lighter bag. I may still have some unpacking to do but I have come a long way........