It is easier now.......

Being a single mom is challenging no doubt but sometimes it doesn't feel like that to me......not in a true sense.....the challenging stuff is the day to day juggling a two person job in a party of one......making ends meet on your own......etc.......but I had lots of practice for years sorta doing my thing with the kids, carrying certain things alone.....so it doesn't feel shocking on the other side, but being on vacation reminds me that it is easier now......I have remarked before about his ability to make things more intense and stressful than they needed to be when we went places......I am not sure what place that came from, or comes from.......but I am keenly aware that this week is much easier, on my own with my kids......and I am much happier, and having a much better time than I would be if he were here......and I don't say that to bash him in any way......he obviously had good qualities no question or I wouldn't have fallen for him or stayed as long as I did......and we did share many times that indeed made my heart happy once upon a time.......but I say it because that awareness hurts my heart......and makes me realize that I don't know a lot about how a relationship should function as a result......my brothers and their wives are sort of doing their things, in harmony.....don't seem stressed and sometimes my mind drifts to what it would be like if what had happened hadn't happened and he were here......and the idea is not appealing......and maybe it is as simple as a lack of similar interests.......not enjoying what I do, or the kids do??......most definitely a resistance to going with the flow......I am a go with the flow person......I can adapt to most any situation....be uncomfortable if I need to.....and sort of do what I need to to make the best of it.....plan b or otherwise.....and he struggled with that.....in the behind the scenes, so then the added stress of that was laid on my lap......me knowing he was unhappy or stressed and trying to hide it.......trying to cheer him along whatever situation we were in......and I am not sure if that was him or him with me......he does all sorts of things with the kids on the weekends he has them now.....things he was resistant to before......does he still struggle with them? Does he just do that stuff because he doesn't have a choice...... I don't know.......but it makes me sad to think of......and that is when that sweet seduction enters in that plays in my mind about staying alone....forever........thinking that all situations result in that kind of drama.....and that it is easier to chart my own path and drift peacefully on the ocean......than try and share my boat......and I know that what is talking to me is not real......not the truth.........not it.......and that any future situation would not be like the past necessarily.....but I do fear it sometimes.......and maybe it is the only thing I do fear these days......finding anything that takes me back......back to situations that I feel so relieved to be free of......but it feels real.......it feels valid.......and it feels challenging......and when the relief and awareness of these things finds me it hurts my heart.....makes me wish things had been different........that we had found more harmony with one another in the day to day, that the end was a different narrative.....that I don't feel some of what I do......but I can't change what is......can only acknowledge what it is.....give it room to breathe.......to be heard and then let go.....there is a mountain of unsaid between us.......a mountain I am not sure will ever be climbed........but part of me will always wish it will someday......and hold out hope in miracles......always.....