In my marriage I was much more private about my life.....taking on the day to day challenges alone.....not wanting some of what I was facing to see the light of day. Not talking about my marital strife at the lunch table at work......not comfortable to share with anybody really.....I believed strongly in looking at the good in a human and highlighting only that......or mostly that.........and I still do......we all carry light and dark.....some stuff we are proud of, and some stuff not so much.....and when you love somebody, and try your best to focus on that good stuff.....that light......then the experience is colored by that......and certainly for me in the context of "for better or worse" I tried......but it was heavy stuff to carry sometimes....and having been clearly led to release, and share those things in my blog, and to own my story honestly and out there from the beginning, the truth is it still makes me uncomfortable sometimes......uncomfortable when somebody makes a comment in response to what has happened......or against him and a situation that arises.......like yesterday......even though every word is the truth......and the delicate truth.......the truth to honor him some still, and his role in this story......but I still wince.......wince when I see the truth mirrored in somebody's eyes....outside of it all.....their assessment......and then I second guess myself, start to question myself, reassessing it, deciding if it is how I feel it is.........or if their take is true.....wanting to skim coat it......smooth it over some.......make it prettier.....gloss it......protect him......still.......crazy right?? We get to decide as grown ups.....and people living our own lives......to write our stories.......and how we show up in the stories of our lives.....that is on us, each and every single day.....and the truth is the truth, it just is......and my perception of what is occurring is valid and honest......and I have owned this story from day 1, and make no apologies.......it is my right to do so.........and has been one of the most healing things I have done......and I am also keenly aware of the fact that another side of this story exists.....the one that lives inside of him........one that I would like to sit down and hear......one that I am curious about.......a story I have had bits and pieces of ......but not the whole thing........not even close......I can sometimes gather some of it, based on things I observe, or feel......but yeah, mostly in the dark.......and I never pretended to be perfect.....or pretend to be now......far from it........I own the mistakes I made in our marriage....and I am certain there are parts of his story that would be valuable for me to hear.......to really get honest about our experiences, in the spirit of feedback and evolving......and maybe someday that will happen......however coming from a place where I felt so proud of him........so proud to be his wife.....so proud that he was the father of my children.......and once upon a time, feeling so protected, and so cared for.......and then reconciling all of that with how I feel now.......it is still so hard to hear anybody say anything about him.......or see their reaction to a situation I am facing.......still........and things have improved some.......I don't want that to be misunderstood either......it is definitely a little better than it was in the beginning, when emotions were running so much higher......but it is still all so delicate......held together by fragility......and frail pieces......I always hope those pieces strengthen as time takes hold.....evolution happens.....movement occurs......hope always......for our children......but yeah, it all makes me uncomfortable......for so many years I felt I was married to the "good guy".....one incapable of things I have seen since.....and it is hard to reconcile that......to hold that guy and the truth that lives in the now together........and resist defending him, or smoothing it over somehow.....even now.......it still makes me uncomfortable.....
jperuso
Comments