My Anniversary.................

SO this anniversary has been looming over me since all of this happened and I feel like I am glad it is here so it can pass.....today would have marked our 15th wedding anniversary.......my anniversary is not a big deal because we used to celebrate it in huge ways or do anything too out of the ordinary......but it has always been a big deal to me in the remembrance of us, what we stood up for all those years ago, and as each anniversary passed I felt proud of what we accomplished the year before to keep our marriage alive......even in the past two years......we worked so hard......I felt we both were working as hard.......but I guess I was carrying much of the "work" and not realizing that......however regardless in our brokenness the last couple of years there were some beautiful things that emerged, despite the end......despite what happened in the end it will never diminish the beginning and the fact that at a point in time he and I were magic together.....just such a beautiful union of love and two souls crazy for each other.....my wedding day was one of the greatest days of my life.....one of the greatest parties I have ever been to......still.......and when I think of the day I think of all the beauty and hope in that day.....sun shining........gorgeous weather......all the details I had painstakingly planned out coming together effortlessly......creating an entire experience of love and happiness.......the entire day all we did was grin.........and meant every single one......danced every single song........I said 'yay" a million times and our videographer commented on my elation about all of it.......and captured many of those "yays"............it was the perfect day.......and as I type this in the early morning hours, alone in the life we vowed to live together I have no choice but to be grateful it happened, not sad that it ended......some people live their entire lives and were not loved and adored like I was for a good part of my marriage......that is a gift......my amazing and perfect children were gifts that emerged from that perfect day.....I learned how to love another with my whole heart.......and honor my vows.......all of them.......that is a gift.......I learned strength from my marriage........strength I didn't even know I had......that is a gift.......I learned perseverance in my marriage........that is a gift.......I learned sickness and health in my marriage and how to honor that.........that is a gift..........I learned what teamwork looks like many a day in my marriage.........that is a gift........I learned acceptance in people's flaws and extending compassion instead of criticism is almost more important than anything.......that is a gift........I learned all these things and more...........but perhaps my greatest gift from my marriage was the end.......the ugly and final end........because in that end......in our final chapter......I have learned what I am made of........what lies within my heart and soul........I have learned what exists in the deepest part of myself.......and I have found my wings.......and that is a gift.......As I bid farewell to my marriage.......and honor those gifts on my anniversary...........I feel enormously grateful for my husband......despite what he has done.....just grateful that we walked for as long as we could, hand in hand......heart to heart......and I will never be sorry......not ever........happy anniversary Nick........sending you love and light on our special day........