My Kids.......

My heart aches daily for my kids as I pick up the pieces of our broken life.....they are so resilient and our bond is so strong, but I can still feel the sadness from them fill the room sometimes. When I catch it from them it takes my breath away......They miss their dad so much.......They are so confused. Not understanding how their beautiful and fun life has been shattered, I have to agree with them.....we are all kind of in shock, floating in this little boat. Looking around at the ocean around us wondering how we ended up in the boat alone......wondering what happened to land, to stability, to all the things we loved......I laid awake last night and watched Madeline sleep beside me, we are bunkmates for now and she is loving it, and so am I.......and as I watched her sleep, and looked into her sweet little face, I wept....I wept for her, for her heart, for her pain ahead, for the loss, just the huge loss she is enduring.......at four years old.......and it just broke my heart........I look at my sweet Gabe and hear the things he says, and it is so clear that his heart is broken......he is such a tender soul, not designed for such things......it is just so so brutal........I never wanted this for them.....never.......but as I look at them I know pity is not what I should be feeling.......pity is not what they need.......I know that I need to see an opportunity for them to grow and find their strength within them......pain and suffering changes you, I have said that a lot.....I have accepted mine, trying to shield it from my kids all these years, but pain and suffering is inevitable even for our kids..... as much as we try to protect them from that, it comes to find them too...........even if we have worked oh so hard to have that not be so......so as I watch them, support them, love on them. listen to them, be their safe place, I know they will be OK......I know they will be better than OK........they will learn valuable lessons as this journey unfolds.....they will learn the bitter lesson that life is unfair....life can be cruel......life can be sad........life can break your heart........but they will also learn that strength lies within, that they have power to create the life they want, a life by design......that they can still live an amazing life even if their dad doesn't live with them......that their life is what they make of it and the perspective they bring to it....and that their mother is so strong......and will always be there for them.......no matter what.......I was not ready for these lessons to come to find them, not even close, but it is my responsibility to validate them and help them come to understand that life is a tapestry of joy, pain, love , sadness, hope, despair, gratitude, anger, faith, and beauty.....and so much more.....and sometimes all at once......The three of us will find our way on the other side of this and this experience will strengthen us as individuals and as a party of three......team building like none other......a bond that will be timeless and endless........no end.....forever and ever......my kindred traveling companions for life......."To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children.....to leave the world a better place....to know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded." Yeah all of this and more.......