I try to not live in regret in my life......I don't think it is a helpful place to go......because the truth is most of us are doing the best we can at any given moment.....and even when it looks like the people in our lives are not doing that.....they are to some degree......because whatever demons they are managing in their lives, those demons are likely preventing them from appearing that they are doing their best......and as I have said hindsight is 20/20 and dangerous.......it shines a spotlight on things we didn't see before......things that are hard to look at......big things that are just so obvious now and they were hidden away before.......and for me sometimes that comes with regret.......or a pang of something I cannot identify......and for me that nudge comes carrying the knowledge that I should have loved myself, more, sooner.......given myself a voice......I always thought I was the one that held the power in my life.....he would even tell me that often.....and felt like I managed so much of our lives that he made it seem like I was so powerful......and he was just along for the ride.....and it was all the stuff he wasn't really willing to do.....just stuff he made an issue of sometimes.....but still......I guess I believed the narrative he spun about me......there are so many things at the end that he had begun to tell me about myself, and that I had begun to believe that just were not true......and my illusion of a "voice".......was just that an illusion......I may have spoken up, I may have wanted to facilitate change, I may have told him what I could live with and what I couldn't......despite it all falling on deaf ears......but the fact remains I did not have a real voice......my actions did not match my words.....I took no action toward him that would make him understand how serious I was, or to make him really understand how I felt about my boundaries and what I would tolerate......so it continued.......and in the last couple of years.......my role and space in our lives being diminished under his needs......his behavior.......his everything always taking over and running the show.....under the narrative that it was me......that everything was about me......when in fact it really was about him.......it is crazy how your mind can tell you things that you believe to be true, but they just are not......so my regret, some days, is not ending it sooner.....not saying enough.......not honoring my worth or space in this world in a more tangible way......and when it feels like that.....that I should have.......then it doesn't.......because I guess if I had done that the blood of our marriage and family would have been on my hands.......which I am still not sure I could have carried all of my days......and the timing of what has occurred feels divine too......so maybe it isn't real regret.......just a wish......a wish that I had known better.......that I had done better for me......looked out for me.......allowed myself to feel worthy of stepping forward and laying down an ultimatum......because I had wanted to with certain things and never felt brave enough to......thinking that losing him would be the worst thing that could ever happen.....how misguided I was.......not the truth at all.......but it seemed so much like the truth.....so I guess after this whole entry.......use this as a cautionary tale if you are reading this......think about a place in your life where you feel depleted.....not heard......and even if it is a big place......ask yourself what you believe about it......and challenge that belief......I am going to choose to lay this wish down and not view it as a regret......because the other truth is I am wildly blessed to have figured out in this lifetime........ how to really love myself.....like for real.....most people wander their whole lives unable to do that.....so better late than never for sure......but sometimes the pang visits and wonders what if you had felt this way sooner??....lived in this joy and peace earlier??.....and then my faith steps forward and lets me know with certainty that all of the things that have showed up, have shown up at exactly the time it was supposed to, and not a minute sooner:)
jperuso
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