Checking in.........shock and awe......

I have written about my shock related to what has happened a few times in the last year plus......it is the part that stays with me over all the rest.......but I got to thinking about it yesterday......and much of my heart and soul has accepted all of what has happened......even though I never expected it.......We have not formed a co parenting relationship yet......I always have hope we will......I still cannot reach out if I need to in the ways I feel I should be able to related to our kids......but we have made some progress in terms of visitation and the settling of some of the bad feelings that existed.......at least that is how it feels to me......and I suppose baby steps are better than no steps??? I think when people get a divorce.....especially when there are kids involved they should be mindful of working on that......because I do feel lonely sometimes in the parenting of OUR children......because I cannot freely share what I would want to.......and my reliance on him.......for anything really.....just doesn't exist.........and I suppose on one side, as it often occurs to me.....THAT is a good thing.......because what clearly needed to happen this year was for me to fully depend on me......with no safety net.........and I did and I can........and part of that has been really amazing.......and has helped me grow in confidence and strength.......but part of it is not right......I am still very aware of that......so sometimes after all this time, a wave of disbelief will come.......a huge one.......bringing the shock that this is how it is with it to wash over me.......an awareness that I have no access to him in the ways I need to be able to........and I never ever lose hope that things will change.....that they will continually evolve and even though it is happening slowly, it is happening.......and even though I may never understand it fully......I am healing beyond it......I don't need to get tied up in it........and I truly don't......something normally pretty mundane brings it to my doorstep to take a look at.......and when it does.....the shock and awe is less......I am grateful for that......it used to be much heavier......much more profound......now it is lighter to carry......it is a flash........and an awareness and then it goes......and it is a good reminder I suppose.......a reminder of where I have come from.....and that things get better.....that space heals wounds.......and that some things may stay forever.....I believe my disbelief at so much of what has happened will stay with me all of my days......and learning what lies beneath a person you thought you knew so well......but it won't haunt me.......it won't destroy where I am headed......it will just be a lesson I will carry in my backpack.......my backpack in this life is full of things I have learned but not heavy.....it doesn't feel like a burden to carry it........it feels light and bright and hopeful........pockets of wisdom and a lot of gratitude in there......filled with the things you only acquire when you have been brought to your knees and stood back up.......so as my shock and awe begins to fade.......I am grateful.......and will acknowledge that sometimes things change in the ways you need them to, without even realizing......and as it comes in for me to look at......I will acknowledge what it has to share with me and then let it go again........until maybe......just maybe......it won't come at all.......