Still surreal...........

So I think in grief this is a normal part of it all.......surreal stuff surfacing........I have had much time now, nearly 9 months to adjust to my new life and I really have in so many ways.....finding my way in lots of different ways....and enjoying the journey as much as I possibly can.......but there are still times in a moment when it all feels so surreal.......it normally comes in an ordinary moment......like last night......I was making dinner and about to call the kids down......and a wave came over me of disbelief that this actually happened......that he is not here with us for dinner........that things are the way they are......that this is our lives.......and I don't know what prompted it to come or summoned that feeling forward, but it lingered for a bit.......and then left again.......because most days it feels very real........the reality I am living under and what my life is like now......feels cemented in the day to day.......but that surreal feeling is an odd one......and tricky.......because it arrives randomly.........and it is one that comes carrying a little bit of longing with it.......longing for things to be a little more normal between he and I......for us to be accessible to one another if we need.......not in the romantic sense, but in the ways that we need to to function in the world......as parents of the two greatest kiddos ever:). And yet there is constant resistance to that on the other side, and in ways that make it impossible to be fully functional in the ways we need......so I often find myself turning the focus back on me and finding ways I can try and remain as functional as possible......and try and not get caught up in the feelings that come with the other ridiculousness I face......and just hope that it gets better......that an awareness touches his life that he needs to change some stuff, so that he can be the dad he wants to be......show up in the ways he needs to, in a more present and functional way.......that is my prayer on repeat.....and that the fact remains we need to have a relationship.....we just do......we have to find our way to forge that relationship......in a new way.......and that progress has also been blocked......I have made myself so clear on my intentions, and that they are not to reconcile.....they are to co parent......and do it really really well.......because our kids deserver that......and yet my intentions keep getting spun and twisted into something they are not.....truth is there is nothing that could put my marriage back together.....not a thing.....what I now see in him is not for me......that is crystal clear......but what I wish is for us to find our way to a shared goal for our kids........one of solidarity and strength and intention......and some days it feels daunting as that surreal feeling comes to find me....bringing with it the shock......disbelief.......the awe.......all of it......and in those moments I wonder if maybe I will always have that feeling come sometimes.......because what has transpired is so foreign and so not what I would have ever expected......and certainly not what we sought out 20 years ago.......I have faith our relationship will change someday......I have to hold onto that faith......it keeps me going and positive.....and in the meantime I will continue to focus on myself and the kids and doing my best each and every day.......