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jperuso

The fears we face........

I feel like in this life I have been faced with many of my greatest fears......and what happens on the other side of those fears.....after the facing......and the subsequent rising or moving on is a confidence that builds in knowing that no matter what happens we will be OK.....that I will be OK..........and that is an empowering piece.......In this life I have lost people that meant so much to me in death and otherwise, I have had a special needs son who was born prematurely, I have had cancer removed from my body, watched my husband fight cancer, watched my mom fight cancer, and had my husband leave me, losing my family and my marriage......the things that mattered most to me in this life........and I say none of that to garner pity or make anybody think I have lived anything but a blessed life......because I am blessed, truly.......... my blessings list would be much much larger than the one above.....but I point those things out to say that each one of those things carries some "greatest fear" weight in this life.......some potential to be things that people fear.....things that nobody wants to have happen to them.......and likely not just for me......I am sure they are things others are afraid of.....and I think the merit in those things is the facing of them... and seeing the other side....... and knowing that somehow.....at some point you will be OK.....and part of that is your attitude in it all....or your belief in those things you can't see.....and yesterday in talking to my therapist I was able to sort of process part of this notion.....he saw the before this part.....he was originally our marriage counselor and he was there for all of the before parts......and also shocked when the end came.........although less shocked than me I think.....I think he thought it was a possibility because of what he had seen in him that I did not........in my mind I felt that I had to hang on and make my marriage work at all costs......to work through it and fight for it....... for my kids and their sense of it all......for me and my love and loyalty I carried for my husband.........and I never even considered......not even for one moment.......that there would be any reward in the letting go......on the other side of choosing the other path.......when I would think of that I would only see fear......darkness.....and despair.......and deep heartache for the kids and I.......never never did I even consider it could go the way it has.....and I think that is a valuable thing to remember in this life......we often project our feelings or fears into a situation......not considering that we are wrong......that maybe we don't know better.......that maybe our way or our beliefs about something may just not be true......trusting the universe and God know much better.......I was wrong......getting a divorce and losing my marriage was not the greatest tragedy of my life.....in fact it has turned out to be the greatest blessing......and I most certainly was wrong.........I feel like the same had been true about having Gabe.......had I known ahead of time that he would have Williams Syndrome.......I would have attached a whole bunch of things to it that just aren't real......that haven't been real......and created a different story than the one that has unfolded.....so for me as I move forward......I am going to remember that I don't know better....and that blessings come tied up in heartache.......in trials.......in tribulations......in packages that we don't recognize as presents....... and that there is such power in facing our fears......and letting the storms that come to break us........make us..........:)

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