The hurt runs deep..........

Sometimes I marvel at the amount of pain that I have endured over the last several years and especially since he left.......the amount of hurt that a person is capable of laying on another is astounding......especially when it comes in the form of betrayal......being betrayed by a person you trusted with your whole heart is something that is so hard to explain......it cuts you so deep to the core of who you are and what you believe and how you behave in the world that it is almost hard to put into words......fully......but I continue to try......and even though I have found my way and am loving my life in ways I only imagined, and in ways I almost cannot believe, that hurt remains a part of me......if I have the opportunity to speak to others about all that has been done, and get out the feelings surrounding it, it is almost hard for me to reconcile.....I don't know where to put it all.....it feels heavy and vast, and I think I have tried my best to transform much of it......take the pain and channel it into good......into loving myself and supporting my kids.......but the fact remains an ocean's worth still lingers......and as I have said a part of me hopes to talk to him at some point and leave some of it with him.....see awareness in his eyes for what he has done......hear him say the things I wish he would......I have written letters to him........ones I will never given him.......that helps too.....but the hurt of betrayal most definitely leaves a mark that remains........and I am learning to make peace with it.......to try and understand that the hurt that was inflicted on me was hurt he had in him.......hurt people hurt people.......that is a fact.......and when I go too far down a rabbit hole of feeling.......... really marveling at all he has done and getting caught in the pain, I try and remind myself of that fact.......even though much of what he has done is just horrendous, the lies and deception......the lengths that he went to to deceive......right up until the end......I still truly believe I know the heart of him and I do not think he intended to hurt me this deeply......and hurt our kids either......I just don't........that may seem naive to some but I won't give up the part of me that believes and sees the good in people......even if they don't see it in themselves.......but there is a lot of residual pain.......can feel it in there moving around......and sometimes when I look at it head on it takes my breath away........but there is indeed a lot less than there was......so I am making the progress I need to each day.......finding ways to heal......finding ways to move forward in the day to day......leaving as much of it behind as I can......I wish that there was a way in this life that somebody could hook up to the person they hurt and feel the pain they caused......look at it.......even for a moment.....not in a vengeful way.......but in a way to facilitate learning and growing and understanding.......because even though I yearn for our conversation some day.......I know that even if I get to say it all.......even if he hears........even if he validates it all.......he will never truly know.......he just won't.........he can't.......the only way to truly know is when it is done to you.........