I walk a line down the middle of this story on any given day that is complicated at best.....I am wanting and desiring a place to lay it down and leave it in some spot a spot that makes sense.....20 years is a long time.......and in the span of one year I have managed to let go of most of it......and for me it may forever be a complicated story.....because there is a part of me that is still so hurt by all of his actions and just still totally shocked by what he was capable of........it still washes over me in an instant and leaves me shaking my head and pain in my heart.......and wandering through the disbelief......but then there is this other part.....the bigger part that is just so damn grateful he turned out to be who he did, so I could be FREED, to be ME finally in this life......and to live a fulfilling life that I love without the drain of all of it weighing me down......so as you can imagine if you are reading this or have been reading, it is such a complicated spot to be in......I have written about it before......and it is such a strange line to travel on......and I am keenly aware that many people have those same sorts of conflicts when their marriages end.....because really nothing in life is one way right? Nothing.....everything comes bearing good and bad.......and it is a choice which way we turn our faces......toward the sun or the darkness......and if any memories or horror get a hold of me in the day, or in a moment and I remember all of it and I start to fill with indignation and pain bubbling up, I acknowledge the validity of it, but then I choose light......I choose to view it as what it was........a freeing of my soul........a true gift.......maybe the biggest gift I have ever been given.......the life I have gotten to live the last year has been way more authentic in nearly every way than any year I have ever lived.....like in my whole life......before he left, I found fulfillment in lots of things......I found it in my kids......in the life we had created......in trying to stay the course and work toward my marriage......in some hobbies.......in family and friends.....in as much as I could.....but it all fell just a little bit short, because I wasn't really connecting with my soul, or really listening to myself in a real way........not hearing myself.......too much noise......and there was definitely a voice that came to find me over the years......that was worried......that thought maybe we wouldn't make it.....that had doubt in our ability to make it......and that voice was right....I never wanted it to be......but it was.....but even though the end was what it was.....my goal moving forward is to try to find a way to lay my marriage to rest, in a way that honors the spaces that were good, loving, and meaningful, while recognizing that it was meant to end......that we were meant to walk our own paths now.......and try and not let my horror cloud all of it.......and it is not easy......and I am working on trying to find a way to do that.....I feel like it is an important thing to do.....to not discount the good in the face of the bad....but be realistic in my assessment of it all......so that is my goal on any given day.....find a final narrative that makes sense......that feels authentic......one I can live with.....but keep my face facing toward the sun and the light up ahead:)
jperuso
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