Today is my boy's 16th birthday......wow just wow......sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago that I had him, but the disbelief that he could be that age is still so real.......it goes fast for sure......and he had a magical birthday party last night......the hearts of all of those people is something that is hard to articulate......to feel the love and adoration in the eyes of people that have only recently met him, is humbling......he has been the one to make his way into those hearts......of his own doing.......by being himself.......and it is never less amazing to bear witness to......and I mean it when I say it is a privilege to ride shotgun in Gabe's best life......absolutely spectacular......to watch the lives he touches and the gifts he is given in everybody he meets.......and the gifts he gives in return.......and I feel like that superpower has accelerated in high school....I have been so impressed to see the way, and the life he has made for himself.....choosing his own path and making it all come together, while I sit back in awe.......just incredible......but the part that still challenges me is the part where I cannot talk to his dad about any of it.....and he is the only other person that knows the struggle, and knows the journey, and how hard we fought to be here......and yet.........and the dynamic that is on his end, of his doing, is one that leaves me unable to revel in it all with him and share our children in a healthy co parenting space......and I would be lying if I said it doesn't sting my heart.......because it does......two years have passed and we should be at the place where we can do such things.......and if it were up to me we would be.......but there is a barrier, a barrier made strong due to all the things that haven't been said and solved......and a protective place to keep all the real stuff out, and keep running from it all.....and I am not going to muscle my way through, or run up against it, only to fall flat on my face.......it isn't worth it in a real sense.......sad but not worth my energy.......I can only control how I behave, and my openness on my end when I can be, and my willingness.......and I have accepted that a long time ago.......but on a day like today, it seems absurd that this game still plays on.......like ridiculous in all the ways......and it challenges me........the feeling will pass, it always does......and my understanding of it all is clear.......the source of this great divide.......and so today instead of focusing on what I cannot change...... I will celebrate my son, with gratitude in my heart, and hope for the future, for us all, that things have a way of working out and changing......but if they never do between he and I that is OK too.......onward and upward we go........
jperuso
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