The shedding of my skin.........

It is truly the most excruciating thing I have ever done.....however it is a very real and an extremely necessary part of this......I am letting go and giving up a skin I loved, one that was as comfortable in many ways as your favorite sweatshirt, pjs, or leggings......a skin I already felt like I felt pretty good in.......only to find that there was another layer beneath......much deeper beneath that needed to be unearthed......and the shedding of that old Jenn and skin is almost unbearable some days.....almost feels too large a task......but yet I find the end of the day, having watched myself survive, and many days recently thrive.......and I marvel that I can feel so good in so many ways and yet so challenged in others.......duality in every sense......a battle each day to seek the good and turn my attention from the bad.....feel my new self emerging.....have confidence in her....faith in her strength, her wisdom, her ability to withstand the shedding.......to not run, to not hide, just to stand in all of its excruciating magic and wonder about the mystical nature of life.....of evolving, of moving forward, of not staying stagnant or stuck.......to embrace the change, wrap my arms around it, invite it in......and trust what is on the other side......once I have left that skin lying on the ground or laid it to rest, hard to say which yet........I am hoping the pain will subside and I will once again find comfort in my new skin.......I feel like my soul has shed some before in my life but never so fully.....never so deeply, and never so painfully.......and as I have said many times in my blog pain is transforming....it either destroys us or makes us......I suppose the choice is ours, the willingness ours.....or maybe it isn't a choice, maybe it is our hardwiring....what we come to this world with that makes us able to withstand the shedding in our lives, the moments that define us, our lives, the future that lies ahead.....I often wonder where that stuff comes from....nature vs nurture.....or something larger....more complicated......I know there have been many a day through this that I long for a stunt double.....somebody to pass the baton to, to give me a rest......and in the emptiness and the impossibility of such a thing I seem to find another spot in my soul.....another place that is willing to move forward.....to climb a little more.....to be a little braver......to let some more go.....to inch my way back to me.........only this time a new version of me.......one without her old skin around her shoulders......a version with a new skin.....a skin to learn to own, to find comfort in.....to become a part of once again........