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The stranger within......

jperuso

The kids got to see their dad this weekend. I am always happy for them, and speak positive blessings over their time together.....but I am not sure I will ever get used to it....to the picking up and dropping off.....the familiarity and weirdness all rolled into one.....like some strange movie that I am in, like he is somebody I once knew, maybe in a dream, or long ago but mostly he feels foreign and like a stranger In so many ways..... I probably do too I am guessing.....and maybe it is because we don't see each other too often or communicate much at this point....or maybe it is just the way it will be from here on out.....hard to say....we have both changed so much in such a short time. I sense us both sizing the other up in the moments we do see each other.....trying to figure out what to make of the new us.....a strange experience indeed.....When they go on visits I feel like there are a million things I want to do....and sometimes nothing at all. Just be in the quiet and catch my breath. It feels like I have this small window to seize, and try to cram all the things I don't get to normally do. Breathing in the respite.....This weekend I got to visit with some family, ordered some takeout, watched some TV, stayed up late, went to church on my own, taking it all in, and caught a long hike with a friend. It was a nice skip in my record. All of those things filling my bucket.....my soul.....all the while thinking of my children and hoping they too were filling their bucket with their time with their dad. I got to talk to them a few times. They sounded happy and excited. Made my heart smile. I hope our new normal finds its way someday to feeling more normal to me.....and I suppose it may.....someday. But in this journey I have learned it is not possible to see ahead. Only today....and I feel like as long as I am open to the journey and embracing what lies within then that is half the battle....and I am......I accept most of what happens in the day to day and don't fight it. The acceptance is where my peace and power lies.....my kids are too.....they struggle more than I do these day though.....Madeline broke down after her dad left last night and sobbed because she "misses her daddy"......not sure I will ever get used to that part either, watching pain I can't do a thing about and just standing in it with her, or with Gabe.....kids grief arrives in pockets.....spurts.....not across the board like adults. So when the waves come for them I just hold them and ride them with them......until the next one. However we are truly healing each and every day.....and that notion makes me feel really good. Positive about the future and what lies ahead for the three of us. Letting go of what was........embracing what is.....and excited about what is ahead.....on repeat :)

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