Trauma............triggers........and the dance..........

When you experience deep trauma.......it takes hold inside of you.....deep inside our souls and the places we hold dear........and we work through it to the best of our ability......working through it......understanding it......finding a way to co exist in a place where that trauma doesn't get to consume our life here.......doesn't get to be the star of the show......trying to move it to more of a supporting role in our lives......but every once in awhile we are placed in situations......that remind us of the existence of that trauma and feel it being triggered in a really very real way.......and sometimes before we know it we are off the races....swimming once again in the trauma tsunami.....and for me it is always interesting when a place in my life causes that deep trauma to come to the surface......and I am getting better at recognizing it more readily....but it still sweeps me up for a moment before I realize.....and I suppose those old things die hard......traumatizing another human is powerful work and carries grave consequences........I can't imagine how a person would feel knowing they have done that to another person's heart.......with intention and free will......I have tried really hard not to traumatize my kids in any way......I am certain there were some arguments, while the affair was going on, that left an imprint on their hearts.....I really wish that had not been....it was really challenging for me then to not get swept up in the trauma.....but for the last year, I know with certainty that their lives have been peaceful and without that angst that resided in that space......but those things that happen in our lives become a part of us.....I have old trauma living in me and new trauma......and I do my best to recognize what it is and what is being poked in me.....and do my best to not react......but sometimes it grabs a hold of me and I am powerless to stop my reaction or the effect the trigger has on me.....and it is fascinating to me how things can live in us, so undercover ,and in one moment can be brought right up for us to have to look at........I also had a deep epiphany yesterday about a dance I can get into with my ex pretty readily, and how it feeds a part of me that I was sorta confused about.....about why I do a certain thing....and yesterday it made perfect sense.....and I finally understood.....but not before I stepped into the dance with him......the old familiar places I no longer want to be......yesterday was a day to be really conscious of so much.....so much of what I do not want to carry with me anymore in this life......patterns that are not ones I want to replicate.........trauma I don't want to add to my plate.......all of it.....and I am so grateful when I can catch myself in these spaces......because if you have ever experienced your trauma taking hold it is super powerful......really hard to wrestle back down......but also a powerful force in our lives.....leading us to the changes and places we need to go.....and the ones we never want to be in again.......