Interesting question right? Tough question most definitely......so much I know now that I didn't then.....and to think of setting myself up again makes me kinda cringe.....but then my kids, my hearts, my two perfect humans......he helped me make them.....the love I carried for him and them all these years.....and our sweet family.......and all the deep lessons.....the way he loved me once upon a time.....I guess it wasn't always so complicated.....hard to remember beyond the end......but I suppose for a good bit it was good, we had a good run..... but to ask me to do it over knowing what would befall me??.....kinda hard to imagine saying yes......I remember him asking me to marry me....it was romantic, in a restaurant....I was so thrilled.....there are pictures from that night, and you can see the absolute delight on my face and his.....we were just so so happy to be pledging to do forever together.....a special night.....and then our wedding, was one of my favorite days in all of my life....magical in every single way start to finish.....makes my heart ache to write that and my stomach hurt.....then having Gabe, linking arms with him, to deal with what came our way.....and raising him.....then all the trials and tribulations that found us.....then our miracle baby, Miss Mads.....what a treasure.....we were so happy to have her, and it was such a blessed time.....and then well you know what happened next......she was only two when his affair started.....it started shortly after a weekend getaway that we went to in Lake Placid, that I had planned.....we had an amazing time......so much fun......I felt so connected to him......such a treat for busy parents......and then he started an affair? Hard to believe still as I type this..........so it is so hard not to discount all that stuff before....the stuff that made my heart happy.....and diminish it.......not give it any weight.....but it is damn hard when the end is so ugly......just so SO UGLY......I think that part is hard for me....to have my life.....of 20 years.....my fought for life, left in such a disgusting light.....hard to swallow.....but the question is would I have married him again? I am not sure I can answer it fully.....but I suppose the long answer is yes.....my life feels very destined to be at this moment in time.....one I could not have arrived to any other way.....one that was forged through the exact heartache and circumstances he laid upon me......at a time in my life when I am ready for the next chapter.....ready to grow, evolve, change my life......and I never live in regret anyway......there is no point.....I believe we do the best we can, when we know how to do just that......and I suppose it is good thing that we do not know what will happen before it does.....we are spared the knowing, otherwise it would be hard to face the fires meant for us.....to be able to bravely walk into them, carrying the knowing that it is ours to walk through......so I am grateful that I am right here in this beautiful spot waiting to embark on new things.....I hope someday I can leave our marriage in a more organized way in my heart and mind, without the bad looming over it all and making it all seem so pale in comparison to how I felt about it for so long......and maybe I can someday.......but when I stare into the perfect faces of my children, ones that were meant for me and I for them.......I know clearly that the answer to the question is yes......and when I think of the growth and purpose in my life that has arisen in the last year and the clarity and peace that has found me, the answer is yes too.....we don't get to duck out of what is meant for us and I suppose that despite the end he was meant for me for a part of my life.......the first half......the second half is totally up to me:)
jperuso
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