Alone but not......

Lonely.......I am never lonely......Living as a single mom is a unique experience, and I touch on it sometimes.....but this morning I felt like deep diving some:) I have written about feeling like my factory settings were to be married.....and feeling like a couple person through and through....so to be thrust into single life at halftime felt so foreign.....not the independent mothering part....I had been doing that for a long time.....but the alone part.....and sometimes I use the analogy of feeling like an inside cat that was suddenly put outside and is now a little feral;-) And I like my feral edge....it keeps me keeping on;-).....and most days it strikes me that I never expected to love this life so much.....there is deep satisfaction in having SO much peace in your own life......knowing that when the end of the day finds you, as you head home for dinner.....that will be with your favorite humans.....no bad moods to contend with.....or drama.....or unsettled vibes......just our own.....and I also cannot overstate how much I enjoy my kids......like I REALLY love being with them.....their energy is so EASY....and there is some magic that lives between the 3 of us that is unique......and hard to describe........a kindred feeling, where together it all feels like home.....so I am aware that if I did not have that, this experience may have felt different for me.....but as I have acclimated to it......it feels like me.....there is a sense of power and deep gratitude that lives in me, when I look around at our beautiful house, and life, and know that I somehow pull it off for myself and my kids alone.....I do have to hustle.....but the hustle is worth it.....and sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night......the solitude finds me.....realizing how alone I am.....and I suppose it is the forever dance between not getting too locked into that solitude, and wondering how it would feel to share my life again, from the front row.....with the exception of the little bit of experience I have had the last 4.5 years practicing that feeling.....it has been a LONG time since I have shared my space and my life, or felt any of that......and it is all so interesting to think of.....I was talking to a mom the other day, married.....and she is struggling with being a stay at home mom.....not having a career anymore, and feels angry and resentful sometimes about all that falls on her....with the feeling of not having the satisfaction of a career etc....and I get that......having a career is rewarding alongside my mama role, and I think that can also be an indication of some imbalance, maybe? Because I too felt that in my old life.....despite working too, but just feeling very taxed, and it led to some anger and resentment.....wishing for more partnership and help......and perhaps it was in the expectation or wish for help that those feelings came, and certainly in the fact that I wasn't tending to my own needs AT ALL.....causing a deep imbalance, and just depleted and ragged often.....but now, I have arguably triple the workload and feel none of it.....knowing that all of the tasks are mine.....and feeling fine about it all.....nobody to let me down....no expectation for help that won't come....and pouring so fully into myself that my cup is always full, no room to feel empty or resentful......and that is not to say my ex did nothing....he did....but the lion's share of our life was on me.....the domestic duties if you will....and it felt heavy.....so as I sink deeper into my single life.....I wonder how it will feel to share it all again.....but forever defaulting to the place where I know that it is in God's timing....not mine.....and when I get to fall in love again, which I know I will:) It will be with a man that will understand it all.....knowing how to become a part of our lives.....seamlessly, beautifully, lovingly, and with a respect for what the three of us share, and what we have walked through.......my plan for the next couple of months.....is to let go even more deeply and trust....and focus on some stuff I want to accomplish, and some new practices for my life....maybe getting out more too on the nights I don't have my kids, and just having fun. The last four years of my life have been full of adventure and fun....and amazing and intentional living and joy.....my realizing after my divorce how stuck I was.....and how precious life is! Coming to life again if you will ;-) And so more of that is loading.....today my girl and I are decorating for fall....it is September 1st after all, fair game;-) Enjoy the day! :)