I guess I would be remiss if I did not include this piece in my story......the fact that this is all occurring during a global pandemic...... is wildly inconvenient in all the ways;-) It would be challenging enough if there were no pandemic, to adjust to our new life, and to move through all we have.............. but having that on top of it has been tough......I feel like the pandemic shadowed over our end too.....when March hit and we all went home, it was really difficult for me....I was learning to teach online, figuring out Gabe's stuff, and staying in with the kids......taking them for walks endlessly and trying to amuse them without seeing anybody or going anywhere........he still had to work and was taking on extra side work and wasn't home very much at all.....I know now that some of the side work was not what it seemed......but we had had already the cloud of the affair looming over us and now I felt as if my anxiety was kicked up, amid managing being a mom during this time in history.....but most of all I was lonely...........lonely for him...........lonely for another adult and some time together.......was doing the kid thing day in and day out on repeat amid fear and uncertainty and I just wanted a soft place to land.......I wanted him to be here more with me to help me, to bring more calm to my life.............. and now I know as his affair raged on, he was incapable of doing that, and instead made me feel kinda bad for expecting that......twisted the narrative so I felt bad for wanting such things........so many of the things that happened during that time were not mine to carry, or not mine to argue with him about......all happening because of things I couldn't see........I just didn't know it at the time.....so the entire sense of those last months........under the weight of Covid was an altered sense of reality in every way.......magnifying it all in an enormous way......and so essentially I have felt alone in this since the first March we came home.....and have wished Covid would just go away......so much of this would be easier if we could freely go places and see people more frequently without it hanging overhead in the background of our lives every minute......I am optimistic it will be one more year of this type of living......and am willing to dig in and stay the course to see the other side of it........and as we head into a new school year.....one where Mads starts kindergarten, Gabe is heading back to in person as a freshman in high school.....and me back to a full classroom of kids in person versus hybrid.....it feels a little daunting.......because it will all fall on me......the navigating of us through the pandemic......the daily day and day of carrying it.......the nursing us back to health if Covid comes to find us.........the irony is I feel less lonely since he has been gone than I did when he was here but not really here.......and I have been enormously blessed that I will have help from my parents and friends to navigate some of our logistics before and after school........I am so grateful for that.....I am hopeful he will help some too we have discussed that a bit too...... I have truly enjoyed the summer immensely......the time to catch my breath and not have to worry so much about Covid, and I am summoning all my strength and faith as we embark on this school year.......and I wish that all along.......he had just dug in with me......been my soft place to land during all this unrest in life......been here for me and us as we find our way on the other side of this someday soon.....but wishes don't change reality.......this is our reality.......and I need to accept it.......I feel like living under the Covid cloud has strengthened me too......helping me find a way to accept it.......that it is a part of this chapter of our story.....and that it won't always be that way.......all storms run out of rain......they all do.......and looking forward to the rainbow on the other side of this too......
Amid the pandemic........
jperuso
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