Humiliating love......

I am finding as my healing journey is expanding into the next layer of healing I am touching from this past year, that there is an important piece of acknowledging what has happened.....I have a tendency to sometimes gloss over the tougher stuff, or wince when I try and tell myself the entire truth about what has happened.....giving a pass in my mind some to the person, so that maybe in turn I give one to myself? Does that make sense? It is also because I seek to see the best in people, and it hurts my heart to admit the truth.....it really does.....but none of those things change the fact that I have felt humiliation in love often.....in more than one relationship, and well the short feeling that gives me, besides a little twinge in my stomach and sadness in my solar plexus, is that I REALLY hate that for me......like REALLY......I am not sure there is a worse feeling than having somebody you adore, turn your adoration into a place to hurt you.....doing something directly or putting you in a position that will bring you humiliation......and feeling as if that price is somehow worth it??? Yeah I just said that.....sounds crazy from where I sit today....like did I really just say that???? But sadly it never did when I was right there.....in the confusion and chaos......feeling always as if my sacrifice, my laying my ego down, or worse yet my self respect, that that would somehow solve it? And I am sure there are people that are in amazing relationships that read my blog from time to time and think how does that even work??? And that answer is not an easy one....it starts slowly.....having never had any of that present in the beginning of my love stories.....in fact I felt SO loved.....SO adored.....SO cared for, truly....and in lots of healthy ways.....and then........the tables started to shift in subtle ways, until they turned so fully.....and the exchange of power became so imbalanced......and caused it to tip so far.....where I felt like it was OK for me to give my power away.....so fully......and I own that.....nobody made me do anything.....I chose to stay there, and do that.....and allow myself to feel humiliated or embarrassed by certain things.....with the thought in my mind that it would stop.....that things would return to the way they were.....that it wouldn't happen again.....that the intent wasn't to hurt me.....that_________________you fill in the blank......all rationalizations......all for the desire I had to preserve the relationship, and the love I felt I had built at all costs....even at the cost of myself.....and while all of this makes me so sad this morning as I pour it out......it also makes me so proud of how far I have come....and how hard I have worked to do the healing and painful work I have needed to do, to never allow any of that again.....never......none of it feeling normal anymore to me.....and my seeing it with such clarity and understanding, and in some ways new eyes....that healing shifting my energy and allowing for an opportunity to attract the kind of love I have ALWAYS wanted.....like really.....that part cannot be overstated.....the one thing in my life that has been up until this point so out of reach......and wondering why love has had to feel SO hard.....I really don't believe it is supposed to.....I do think that a relationship that is worth having requires effort and work, commitment, all of it......but I definitely think when I find it, it will feel easier compared to the places I have found myself in the name of love......and I share this today, to give a voice to it all.....to let it breathe......to aid in my healing:) My forever goal.....and to allow another person to not feel alone in it either, and to leave the version of myself that experienced those things in the past.....I honor her journey, and admire her strength so much, and her noble reasons for doing some of what she did, and allowing what she did, but she deserved so much more than that.......truly.......and she has passed the baton to this version and to me! :) And I will make sure we never settle again......and receive the love we have so generously given away. Finally finding a place where we can rest, and settle in, and feel the safety in love we have longed for all of our lives......and that makes me want to weep some, realizing that I have never had a soft place to land for any extended period of time, forever being called to be so so strong, and well it just makes me sad is all......And for now I will continue to give that kind of love, the kind I seek to myself, and to as many people as I can, because when you know better, you MUST do better, that is the truth! Happy Tuesday! Stay warm, it is so cold out there! xoxo