The Dreams.......

They are one of my least favorite parts of all of this..... but I know they are a necessary part of it all, as my subconscious tries to make sense of the senseless.....I had quite a few last night so I felt perhaps it was time for this part to find its way into my blog.......the interesting part is that I have yet to have any dreams about he and I that occur in a space where all this horror hasn't unfolded yet.....in the before......not one..........which I am glad.....my body and mind is keeping the "reality" there.....the elephant in the room is present in every one of my dreams......however sometimes we are able to have the conversations we almost need to have while I sleep.....sometimes the dreams are so intense and I am dealing with deeper issues facing he and I, and I am grateful when I awake......sometimes it incorporates other people into it, trying to finish up some unresolved business along with my current unresolved........but all of them leave me with a "dream hangover".......they stay with me for hours, hang around in my thoughts.....play over and over if they had extreme significance and power, and feel like they are oh so real.....and the person I want to share this all with....... isn't available for those things anymore which adds to the hangover........and in that space I wonder if he dreams......does he get to escape those dreams....not dream of me......not face the hard things......or maybe he dreams of me too........hard to say or know........maybe one day I will know those answers, maybe never......either way it is OK......I watched something that made a ridiculous amount of sense last night......it was about what happens during divorce, in the aftermath........and the person in a marriage that moves on immediately after a marriage with another person ultimately isn't the one that moves on in a real sense in the long run, they are avoiding all the healing that is required when two people share a life and need to go their separate ways.........they are drowning their divorce pain in the newness of another person......however the person that stands in their pain, accepting it, healing it and doing all the 'work" that resides within that space, is ultimately the person that truly "gets" to move on from a long term marriage.....that "gets" to let go and start a new life someday......having worked through it all and truly LET IT GO........how transformative all this pain truly is........I know that all I endure even the dreams will one day make me whole again.......put my broken pieces back together, polish my edges......make me able to move on again in my life........and perhaps those dreams will fade away too........that is my hope.......