The fake and phony stuff.....

I am truly in a space that feels so real, and like me......and my tolerance for fake and phony is none, like not even a little......and I only seek to have people standing around me that seek to be there, and are authentic and true.....and anything else is well.....not worth it......ride or die and repeat.......and I am so lucky that I do have that these days, and more tribe members are emerging.....and I was thinking of the work I have done surrounding apologies......for a good bit after my marriage ended, I believed that I needed to have him apologize for me to move on fully......and the longer the span in between stretched out, the less that was true.....and turns out I didn't need that from him to live this life......because when a person loses all credibility.......it becomes futile......you no longer believe in a person.....or what they say.....or respect any of it......so why would their apology matter in a real sense?? And there is grief in that. No longer holding a person you once respected and loved in that space anymore........I think that takes hold......and for the most part that is true.....but having said that, I do know that there is an alternative reality where if we had gotten the opportunity, in the aftermath of our divorce to sit down, and gently share our truth......it might have changed things......that I still believe.....not in a way where we stayed together but in a way that honored what we shared and healed in the aftermath of that.......and I guess it is the marveling in the fall from grace that people take in our lives.....swan diving off of the pedestal we placed them on in such a profound way, feeling at one time that their words mattered so much, and what you believed to be true about them, until you were shown the ugly truth.....and as I have said, I have experienced that more than once......and now it all just feels icky......fake.......phony......performative......and so much more......and the apology that needs to happen is to myself.......for allowing some of what I did......all in the name of love......I am a sucker for all of that.......thinking I could love my way out of dysfunction......and the truth is you don't really get to see what lies within a person, until you try to love them.....and I still stand by the fact that most of the hurt I have been handed was not intentional......not in a way that wished the harm that found me......I think it was a result of harm that had found them once upon a time, and I was a casualty in their war......and so that is why I was able to forgive and move on.....and even have compassion.......despite......but that doesn't change how I view them now.......rose colored glasses shattered, and lying on the floor, and the truth will forever stare back at me......and really that is a blessing.....to heal, you must be able to see the TRUTH of a person......not the person you have created in your mind.....but the facts of who a person is.....and I have walked through lots of fake and phony in love......that is for sure.....not on my end......I showed up in my real......but was living lies.......and the way I live my life now is an apology to myself.........COMPLETELY.........I am making up for YEARS of neglect and betrayal of self.....and it is funny I talked about karma yesterday, and the effects of it, and being mindful of how we treat others......but guess what, that includes ourselves too:) I owe myself a half of a century now of TLC and care.....and respect......self respect most of all......and never allowing myself to be treated in any of the ways I previously allowed.....period......and really knowing my worth now has been a game changer......truly....I can't believe I settled for the situations I allowed, thinking that was as good as I could get on some level?? Like what??? And I don't say that as a dig to them, or arrogantly about myself, I say that in the realest sense, the stuff I was attempting to overlook were HUGE things. BIG things that should not be overlooked in a relationship.....and that is forever my achilles, understanding, compassionate, and optimistic to a fault.....walking right past red flags in the name of love, thinking somehow those flags won't come back to bit me too.....but that is no longer the truth....not in this chapter....... And I am so sorry for all of the harm I allowed to come to the Jenn of once upon a time.....she didn't deserve it.....and needed this version of me to protect her.....and so from where I sit, I feel so grateful to not be living life in a fake and phony space or story.....living in the real......and I think once you have been betrayed and that threat is gone....and you know that nobody is doing you dirty behind your back, it is peace in its purest form.....and for now that peace is enough......as I said I will not move from damage in my next love story:) I know that I will be given the peace that passes all understanding when he comes........a way to know that HE is somebody that is deserving of my trust.......the biggest gift you can give another human.....at least in my opinion.....and I will never live in a story where I have to look over my shoulder......been there done that and it almost killed me.....so yea......no fake and phony....and my life now is a living apology to myself......a woman who has walked through flames on repeat......and each time comes out with gratitude......belief....and love in her heart, a humbling gift I have been given......I will always chase the sun.....always.....and this last year and being fully in my alone era......has shown me so much......but mostly so much of what I deserve.....and what I will never accept again:) Happy Saturday xoxo