I feel things deeply.....it is part of the thing that makes me me, but can also be challenging.....I care about stuff when other people don't......I honor stuff other people don't.....I see things in this life that others don't get caught up in or even notice.....and it doesn't make me a better person......it just is......I have a deep soul and when I love, I love hard.....and when I hurt that is hard too......so today in my once upon a time life was my wedding anniversary......today would have been 16 years.......and my quandary is what to do with this date......now......in the aftermath.......there is really no way to fully ignore it.....at least not for me.......and obviously it isn't a day to be celebrated......my new celebration day is January 7th......so where does it go? What to do with it? Not sure.......Last year on our 15th anniversary, when I was still so raw......I wrote him a card......one I never gave him......and it was a releasing of him kind of thing......I cried to a friend.....I posted about my gratitude for the blessings that were found in my marriage......despite the ugly end......but this year I don't feel like doing any of that......I am done.......fully......healed past those things......not in a place where I need to do any of that.......so instead......today......I may return April 29th to the calendar for good......place it back in the pile of other dates that don't carry any special meaning.....like any other day......lay it to rest back in its rightful spot, amid the days that stretch out before us.......and it is true that days and dates can have many meanings in a life time.....mean one thing 10 years ago and another in the present and now......the day this day became something......on my wedding day......it was by far the best day of my life......just magical from start to finish.......like a dream.......a fairytale......just so beautiful......and each year we honored it somehow.......some years we did better than others.......last year it was a source of pain.......of remembering how we almost made it.......and this year......well the sting and remembering is no longer in this day.......it just isn't......my wedding dress has been burned.....I have actively mourned the loss of my marriage and my once upon a time life......I have said goodbye to that Jenn.......carried the pieces of her that I could into my second act......and here I am.......divorced........free......living my dreams......and ready to release this day for good......I am a sentimental fool......always......it is my nature........so to that end this day had to be acknowledged this year......but the sentiments it once carried have evaporated into the abyss.........that is gone and done........it sort of feels like this day belonged to different people......and maybe that is where the truth of it lies......because we were both different people that day.......so it is those people that can carry this day from here on.......so I am gently placing April 29th back on the calendar......back where it belongs now......amid the other ordinary days we live in our lives that become the fabric of our lives......and that feels like the exactly right thing to do......to gently place it back where it belongs.......
jperuso
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