Today is my boy's turn......his journey through this has been more complicated.....it affects me a little differently than Madeline's.......I think maybe because he was so much older when we had Madeline.....so there was this sacred space that was the three of us for so long before that.....and the commitment we made to him all those years isn't lost on me, and I think Gabe feels the same......he too was leveled initially......and it leveled me........he is usually so even emotionally, and to watch him ride the roller coaster of all of those complicated emotions, without the skills to navigate them was heartbreaking........I truly feel like I would have endured my part another ten times to have spared them both what they endured, and what I had to witness in them......it was by far the most excruciating part of this for me.......Gabe has come a long way too......I am so proud of his resilience and his journey as I am with Madeline's......he has a keen awareness that what his dad did was not right.....he has said many times that "dads don't leave their families"......his words....not mine......but he has reached acceptance......he knows his dad loves him fiercely.....but he also knows that his relationship with him is different and will never be the same as it was again......that there is no way back to the place Gabe longed for for so many months......wanting his dad to come back and move back in......asking me over and over to call him and ask him to do that......shattering my heart every single time.........I think he finally knows that that won't happen......finally understands he must accept that the time he spends with his dad is when it is......and he enjoys it while it happens, and lives his life happily in the space in between......I know it will stay with him all of his days......once in awhile he will still say something so profound and spot on emotionally and intuitively about what has happened......it always jolts me and touches my heart.......because his IQ on paper is so so low......yet he is so so bright in all the ways that matter........he gets people......he gets emotion.......he gets what people need.....he gets the meaning of life.......he gets subtle emotional nuance that others just don't notice.......he just gets it.......and it startles me to think he will be 18 in the blink of an eye......and then what? Then it is Gabe and I.......cheering Mads on as she grows and begins her life.......lots to consider ahead.......and wrought with complicated matters for sure.....however as with the rest......I know.......that what is meant to be will be.......Gabe and I will always be OK......my sidekick for life.......Mads thinks she is living with us always too......but something tells me she may one day change her mind;-) The idea of living with my kids till I am a little old lady actually sounds perfect to me in every way......they are both my favorite.....and they have saved me.......my need to help them navigate these waters and not drown......has helped me not to drown too:)
jperuso
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