Grieving the living......

Every day my journey requires me to grieve people that are alive.....and I mean from a human standpoint, I am glad they are alive......completely.....but sometimes our journeys require us to watch a person we cared about at one point "die" for all intents and purposes, except for actual death.......metaphoric death if you will.....and I have had that happen in a big way 3 times in my life......having to navigate the grief of grieving a person that is alive......and it has been SO challenging.....when it comes to my ex husband, I have to do it from a closer place, because we share our children......but there are still times shock and awe find me with what the circumstances are......and the things that happen or don't happen.....and then the grief is there......right in my face, and maybe as I articulate that it is my grieving what MY image of these people was.....not the reality at all.....I think that is true in all three of those places.....I am grieving what I believed to be true at the time.....and what I believed to be true about them......and maybe what I believed my experience was too?? Because betrayal, deep betrayal, was present in all three instances......it is difficult to discern what it is exactly real or not....having a challenging time putting your finger on it fully.......the funhouse of betrayal, all smoke and mirrors and such.........And the grief lives in my whale....not impacting me most of the time.....swimming peacefully in my depths, carrying all the pain I have accrued in this life.........and I have so much that I putting energy into now that feels like magic:) That I do not let it get in often.....while also doing the healing work surrounding it so I can truly be free......and healed, and I am so close when it comes to my ex husband......as this new chapter has opened, even more healing has been found surrounding him too......it has been so amazing......so much so that I do not even think I would mention him much at all to a new partner......not even feeling compelled to have them know the story from whence I have come lol;-) Not in a way that hides it.....but just in a way that finds it so irrelevant these days......his impact in my story waning by the second.....and the other wounds are healing too......my finding a faster way to heal and alchemize them this time......but having said all of that, and meaning it.....grieving the living is not for the faint of heart.......it takes your breath away.....there is a finality in a true death that helps the grieving process some, and when the break between you and another person is so profound, and abrupt, and "sudden death" like, and complete but the end isn't present it is a mind game for sure.......because there is a "death" of the person you felt you knew....and certainly the death of their walk in your life and yet.........the energy still remains......until it fades out......and maybe this is what I need to face this morning.....I have been asked to do an ENORMOUS amount of healing in romantic relationships in the last 5 years.....that is a short amount of time in a real sense to grieve two significant relationships in my story, and under the absolute horror, and betrayal that was laid on my lap in both instances......so grace for myself is in order......I am doing a damn good job all things considered.....because only I know what happened between myself and them......and the amount of lies that I was living in, and the enormity of the betrayal........and well they both know it too.......but that is no easy work to do.....to face colossal deception and thrive in the aftermath.....and it is simple really....that is my goal.....to keep actively healing all of it, so it doesn't make me physically ill......emotions carry physical implications, remember that whole everything is energy business......it is paramount.....to heal and remove toxicity to live a healthy and happy life.......that I have learned so completely......and I am being called to do too many magical things to let that all ruin it;-) And I will end here today.......I wish they all knew the version of them that I loved......what their highest self looked like to me.......because if it had been real in any of those cases, well......it would have been something to behold.......I was given the gift not of rose colored glasses.......but "soul seeing" ones.....being able to see beyond a person's bullshit.....and see the infinite potential that lives there.....not in a cliche toxic way but in a real sense.....I see that part of EVERYBODY I encounter.......the goodness that lives within a human......what they so desperately want to show the world even when it is hard for them.....and I will never be sorry that I came in with that superpower;-) But the challenge is always having another person see themselves the same way......my power does not extend to that for sure......grieving the living has been a huge part of my journey and my lesson in this life.....and I will keep doing it, and learning what I am meant to learn......and wish them all well as I journey on......Happy Saturday we made it:) xoxox