I hate this for me......

I met with a client last night, she and I having similar journeys......and I suppose for myself what occurs to me over and over is the realization that I have never had a healthy romantic partnership........healthy parts of it yes......time periods perhaps.......but for sure not healthy....and realizing that more and more is clarifying.......but also a little heartbreaking......if I am honest......having such a skewed perspective at one point that it clouded every move I made.....and everything I tolerated.......believing that we all need to accept some level of disrespect, chaos, or conflict to be with somebody.......giving grace to those people, despite my knowing it was wrong, even at the time......but my belief was strong, in what they "might" be able to achieve......or maybe it will get better, right?? That could happen......maybe this cycle would break, but how did I really think that would happen?? I challenge those things in me now......calling myself out......I believe that is the only way we can change......making excuses for ourselves will never get us where we want to be.......never.....we need to challenge the places where we contribute to our own dysfunction and suffering to be able to step beyond that......and I suppose it must be in the air again.....the woman I spoke to last night having a similar odyssey of reflection and contemplation as of late......and it is so simple really.......never having had a healthy relationship filled with the things I seek, makes me feel some kind of way sometimes.....and I suppose as this new chapter has developed, I understand that my life's story was forging the woman that knows her worth so completely, that she will now be in a position to demand a healthy one, this next time around:) No gray..........And that part I love for me:) xoxo But for me I think the part that still stings is thinking of the ways I allowed myself to be treated......the lows I have sunk to, when I didn't need to do that, as any version of myself......I just didn't.....and the recipients taking FULL advantage of all of what I was offering.......bleeding me dry......and well, that is so gross, in every way, and it is hard to articulate how I FEEL when I think of certain things......just so disappointed in everybody involved.......and again, I am not a victim in any of these stories.....Please know and hear that, I was a willing participant in the dance.......even though my intentions were pure and they were most definitely being manipulated and taken advantage of in every way......We teach people how to treat us.....and when you roll with grace and compassion, it does get taken advantage of......notice the people that fly off the handle often have people tiptoeing around them, the understanding folks sometimes have people trodding right over them, so it is hard.....because I also am who I am......not much is a big deal to me, and I do understand we are all flawed, human condition and beyond......and I truly do expect, and see the best in humans.....the essence of their souls beneath all the muck that sometimes shows up......and it is what fuels my hope.....and in my relationships, my willingness to endure.....so this morning I am facing more of that.....this self empowerment journey being exciting as it expands but also healing as it forces me to look at moments and places in time where I need to forgive myself for allowing certain things to happen.......finding it shocking from where I sit today.....like WHAT??? And using the comfort of knowing that it will NEVER happen again.......I have closed the door on dysfunctional relationships for good....I know that with such certainty that it fills all my wounded spaces......and I am choosing to look at those places with new eyes......heal what I need to.......but most of all looking forward with such anticipation to having a healthy, grounded, peaceful, and loving relationship one day:) One that will prove to me that all I went through....all the things I faced and learned......was worth it in every way! And what a day that will be:) Happy Thursday! xoxo