Haunted.......

The word haunt is kinda cool, as a random, nerdy word gal aside;-) But there have been periods of this journey I have been called to walk that feel haunted.....haunted by the past, ghosts of people past and their actions, and what I believed to be true.....all of it shattered so exquisitely on repeat......and I heard a simple thing on the radio that hit yesterday, when I was driving home.....the scars we have that are not visible are the hardest to heal.....and well.....I have found that to be true.....and I think I have made it abundantly clear that I will never stop seeking healing.....making it my mission to be the most complete version of myself that I can be in this life.....and my journey has taken me on many twists and turns, and offered up support for me to do that.....offering many and varied ways to heal the wounds I carry.....but lately the wounds feel heavier.....I have mentioned feeling the heaviness of the world too.....but truthfully what I am feeling is even more than that......I think as I work to shift my mindset so often, it is harder for me to stick with the narrative that is right there.....and sometimes the ugliness found in the truth.....and the truth is I have had lots of awful things done to me, in the name of love, and otherwise, and sometimes that is hard for me to reconcile.....and as it has had a cumulative effect, it is difficult to know just where to put it all.....because it has been extreme....not just by my assessment but by my friends and family bearing witness to it all too......and victim I am not.....do not misunderstand....I will never identify with being a victim in any story.....ever.....but I for sure was preyed upon in ways that have been wildly unfair.....and some more stressors have come to find me this week, more than the usual stuff.....and it is nothing crazy, just a pile of them....and the weight of those things, on top of the rest is making my arms feel tired......like bringing a ton of groceries from the car and you can't wait to put them down, and I have been working hard to self soothe.....I did not sleep great last night.....waking up in the middle of the night a couple of times....knowing it is futile to spin in conjecture....Like I really know........but yet.....so I threw a meditation on....that is my new go to if I find myself staring at the ceiling and beginning to give into racing thought nonsense......but sometimes I wonder what it feels like to not carry so much on your own........I have been doing that most of my life.....as I have stated, and realized so often.....and as is true with most things.....things we have never experienced, are hard to imagine, to have what we haven't had......I can only guess at how it would feel......and that isn't to say that I haven't caught glimpses......because I have......but it has been a long time since I have felt really cared for by a partner....a person carrying their share of the load.....and I haven't felt that very often in my life for sure, always feeling like if I didn't juggle feverishly the balls would fall all over the floor......so I laid there last night....with all the weight surrounding me......ghosts swirling, and using my faith as a life raft......defaulting to " Everything is always working out for me."....because it really is, I KNOW that so completely:)....but I am also a human too, and floating adrift in a space where my life has been complicated and deep for awhile, and there has been no respite in that.....no relief on enormous life lessons, one right after the other, over and over.......and tons of problem solving on repeat, me, myself, and I:) And well......sometimes it gets heavy is all.....and I think giving myself permission to admit that, and FEEL that, and acknowledge that is so important.....and so that is what this morning is about, giving it breathing room......acknowledging the haunting of pain of days past......realizing their place in my story....learning each day to find the place where they belong within me......a place that doesn't harm or fester......but a place that shares wisdom and clarity, and healing and light.......and co exists with me in peace, and as for the rest I am implementing the one day at a time mentality at the moment.....knowing that I can do ALL things in the day that stretches out in front of me.....I am speaking in front of the school board tonight briefly at my school with some colleagues.....and I have all the moving pieces of my life surrounding that solved......and knowing that faith is the anchor of my walk......so fully.......and knowing that the feeling I am having at the moment is temporary......a natural part of the ebb and flow that is life, contrast.....and realizing that the self soothing I have learned to do, so completely, and pretty well......is SO important, even when it feels desolate......and that this chapter of my life is for a purpose......I believe that, and my faith lives in that belief.....I am about to meditate, and shift my energy to where it needs to be to slay the day:) Raise my vibration up to carry me through.........So if any of this resonates.....I SEE you.....YOU got this, I promise, and WE got this:) Believing in the existence and beauty of the sunrise, even while the rain pours down, is the way! Enjoy the day! xoxo