I never wanted this to be the truth.....

I think we all live in duality within us.....Having conflicting parts of us vying for the center stage of who we are......some of those things being great, and maybe some not so great......things that serve us.....and things that hinder us......and sometimes those things are both great things too, even if they are in competition with one another.....but one always ends up being stronger......and one of those for me, is that I am both fiercely strong, but also have a tender heart.....a tough combo indeed......and I have found that my strength always "wins" out.......that part fine tuned after the years I have lived through.....and somebody may look at me and think that is great.....and I have had people tell me often how "strong" I am, and how great it is......and well......it is.....that has been necessary for me to live THIS life.....but the grief rolls up, when I think of that other piece of me......I have written about this before......because people are not apt to nurture me.....or attend to the soft heart that lives inside of me, because they don't think I need it......People who show need, or fall apart......or need coddling some.....normally get it.....and that isn't how I function......because my life has not allowed for that......and each time I have softened and leaned in......laying some of that strength down, I was betrayed.....shown THAT wasn't safe......and I had to climb back up to my tower, and carry on.....and it is hard to articulate the grief that lives there......because if I am honest....I never wanted to have to be THIS strong......never......the amount of strength my life requires is kinda ridiculous lol.......... And that is tough......for a woman with a soft heart, that only wanted to find a home with another person, where she could lay her armor down, finally......not have to walk around with it on all of the time......it gets heavy from time to time.........and everybody in my life treats me that way, for the most part,,,,,,,and it isn't anybody's fault....I have created that. The more competent you become the less support you receive.....because people are busy in their own lives......and besides I am not good at asking for help......which I am working on;-) I am independent....by nature......a problem solver.....so I lean into that before I ask for help......and as I step into a new era of growth and evolution........vulnerability will be a part of that.....I won't let the experiences I have had taint that......just because my vulnerability and softness wasn't honored in the past, doesn't mean there isn't a place it will be:) I know that......but it is uncomfortable for me to lay my armor down......it REALLY is.......SO uncomfortable.....my life and the trials that have come, have required strength.......and stamina.....and resilience.......to endure, period......and I don't say that to brag, it is just a matter of fact......any number of things could have swept me under.....and what was required to endure, was a defiance in me to surrender.....to keep fighting, and clawing my way out of whatever it was......and so here I am......forged in fire......with my sword, and war paint on my face, screaming at the top of a mountain lol:) But all I ever really wanted.......was a soft place to land........a place where it felt safe to let go......not juggle so hard......a place that showed me that I do not have to do it alone......I have somebody to carry it with me......juggle with me.....and to date that has not been a thing.......and so grief lives there.....that is all.....that duality in me aching some.......I have an extremely tender heart......that is true.....my compassion and empathy for others runs deep.......and I love deep down in my soul.....fiercely loyal to those I love living in me......and so this morning finds me grateful for the friends that have returned that fierce love to me.....and family.......and my children......my children love me in a way that I have sought all of my life......they are fierce and loyal too....ride or die.....having my back completely.....and it fills the hurt that lives in that spot......it really does and is such a gift........and I guess until I expressed this this morning, I did not realize how much grief lives in this spot for me......that is one of the reasons I write every day, to hear myself better, and heal those wounds...and perhaps my creation of I Got YOU GIRL energy, and my movement stems from this, yearning so fully for somebody to say to me, I got you girl, and mean it xoxo, and WHEN love arrives again.........my prayer is that he can hold space for me to express more of my heart side, and not so much of the strength side, AMEN;-) Happy Monday, we got this:) xoxo