Intimacy.......

I debated on blogging about this but it is a part of the journey.......so fair game......right? I will do my best to be delicate............. I miss intimacy so much.......the missing is kind of hard to describe really.....to put into words.....and I suppose it is part of the reason why I have dove so deeply into me.....becoming intimate with myself, as a substitute for this missing piece.....crafting a deep relationship with learning to love me, and deeply know myself......but despite my doing that and knowing that the work I have done to that end will serve me well one day in a relationship.......I still deeply miss intimacy with a man.......the familiarity and freedom that lies in that space......the ability to share yourself with somebody and feel safe to do so.....and for me intimacy doesn't exist in casual encounters and just won't.........ever...........It is just not who I am......I don't judge others that are, that seek to get that need met by going out and grabbing it, even for a night......sometimes I wish I was that woman.......that I felt that way about it all, and could just seize an opportunity and meet a need.......but I know myself well and know that the price that I would pay, based on who I am would be too high......I know that for me to find the intimacy I seek it is not found there anyway......so.........it leaves me in a particularly strange situation......my needs at an all time high and the ability to solve it......... well.......and here is the thing.......I think we discount the importance of intimacy and physical expression of ourselves.....some people viewing it as a need that isn't as valid as the rest......and I call BS on that.......it is just as real a need as eating and drinking......as breathing.....as all of our core needs......we were designed that way......and if I am being honest.....it is the most challenging part of this journey for me......I enjoy being alone much of the time.....and the single life has been kind to me.......but boy does this part challenge me.......nearly two years later......and sometimes it is also the part of just not having the last intimate moment be the one that happened in my marriage......that it is time for a new story.......to not have that moment linger there anymore......looking toward new moments.......new experiences......new ways to express that part of myself......so it is again a lesson in letting go.......surrendering to what I cannot change.......what I cannot change, and still be true to my path.......intimacy without love.....or the promise of that.......is not what I am interested in.......so each day I walk the line of the need inside of me, making itself known......very loudly...........and knowing that the meeting that need will not be easy or simple........and accepting that sometimes our needs don't get met......all of my core needs in life have been met for the most part until this point......and now I am in a position to deny a need for a greater purpose........and to be true to myself and my convictions.......and I will........persisting in the space that knows myself, that trusts myself, that understands myself, that won't betray her.......not ever..........and certainly won't start diving in places with empty payoffs........I will continue to meet this challenge and learn the lessons that it is teaching me.........and trust that the wait will be worth it........:)