MY sandbox.........

I have always prided myself on playing well with others in my sandbox......at work.....in life.....I am accommodating.......willing to compromise......bend......be fair......welcoming.....and work well with others.......and I feel like I was like that in my marriage a lot of the time too.....but I also know there is a stubborn side to me.....one that gets set in my ways......and when I feel I know something is true or right......it is hard to convince me otherwise......and even though it normally turns out to be the right thing.....or a thing that benefits the greater good, I am sure it is a challenging trait for somebody else to deal with.......and in the last 9 months it has only gotten stronger in me......my management.......of MY sandbox.......and it makes me a little fearful of ever being able to share it with another person ever again......or even wanting to......and I know thinking in "what ifs" is futile......because who knows what the future holds right? But I am aware that if a man is going to share my life again........someday......his ability to convince me that my life will be infinitely better with him in it, will have to be strong.....and he will need to be able to convince me that sharing my sandbox will be worth it......because most days the idea of love appeals to me, of the falling.......of the finding the forever steadfast kind......the kind that lights your soul on fire.......but the sharing a life part doesn't yet.......and maybe it is only because of my experience the last few years......the weight of the affair.....and all I endured.....and now living in the absence of all of that feels SO good......like true FREEDOM.....and the idea of surrendering that doesn't seem like a good idea.......for now......and I know there is danger in getting comfortable in your sandbox for too long, and then it gets harder and harder to share that space......but I am not there yet......I know that too.....for now when I open my eyes in the morning.....in my king size bed.......on my own......(Madeline has decided to return to her bed most nights now)......I open my eyes and feel excited that the day ahead is mine to create.....that it is up to me what we do.......on weekends......or when I leave work, I am excited about the peaceful and lovely nights we live in now......and I am truly hardly ever lonely.....and I am grateful for that......but a little freaked out by it too........the not missing that part of my life......not yearning for a life partner.......not wishing for that spot to be filled as a goal for my life......only if it is meant for me........it is hard to explain fully because it is also so strange to me, because I NEVER thought I was this kind of woman......I always was in a relationship.....and in most cases a long standing one.......years and years......and I always fancied myself a married kind of woman.......but I am not so sure now......because I have taken to single status like a duck does to water......and my sandbox is exactly as I like it right now.......so.......it makes me wonder.......is all.......what I know though......with my whole heart......is that I won't be easily sharing my sandbox with just anyone......or impulsively......that I will have to know with every fiber of my being that they are the right person to offer a seat to......without a shadow of a doubt......and that they will be bringing their own buckets and shovels and sand toys to the sandbox......and will make the sandbox happier......more peaceful.....bringing joy and levity to this space......because otherwise I am content to hang in my sandbox on my own.......I really am:)