My soul still panics........

After my sister passed there were many moments that out of the blue this wave of panic would wash over me......the wave came with the knowledge and reality that she was gone forever....never to return.....her life gone forever.........and it was overwhelming......and one of the most helpless feelings I have ever had......can only imagine what that feeling felt like to my parents:(......and now I am experiencing the wave again......out of the blue.......no trigger in sight.....just an awareness of my family of four washing out to sea......gone forever.......swept away on a Thursday night.........and when that panic comes it takes my breath away and the strength of it is immense......I am grateful it doesn't come too often anymore.......and again I wonder if it comes in one way or another forever.....does something so life changing and profoundly tragic ever really just go away?.....taking its wave of panic with it? I am guessing not.......I think the reaction and feelings attached to the wave are the ones that matter.....when it comes I don't fight it......I just breathe it in.....and let it go.....settle in the certainty that it must be.......it just must.......that my new life will one day be worth the price I have paid to get it.....that all I held sacred in my life is OK to let go of....somehow......even if it doesn't feel that way fully to me yet.....even if I don't understand, and likely never will understand the reasons why........I just have to trust.....putting one foot in front of the other.....staying on the shore.....not being swept away too......in those panic filled moments I find my brave......find my courage.....find my strength to withstand it.......as I type this with tears rolling down my face and heartache in my soul.......I have faith in what will be......I truly do......I know that this immense pain and fight for my life is a giant catalyst to another place........a vehicle to travel where I need to be.......and unfortunately......or fortunately depending......these waves of panic are ones I need to surf to get there......no way around it.......we all know that is how waves work, you can't avoid them......you must just ride them.........in the panic my soul understands the loss.....what was there.......what my life was......the one I am bidding farewell to, and it is struggling with the letting go......my mind, soul, and heart are on different healing schedules.....my heart probably lagging behind the most.......my mind understands.....my soul is beginning to understand....my heart......well it will take awhile.....and while I wait for all three to catch up to one another I will continue to ride all the waves that come and trust that they are bringing me to right where I belong..........