Left holding the bag....

When your spouse leaves and you become the primary custodial parent, which by the way is something I would not have any other way......you are absolutely left holding the bag.....in every single way....and the magnitude of tha,t and the understanding of it all is growing in me as Gabe graduates, and I have become his guardian.....I have been the one to go to all of the things, and care about all of what happens, in my children's day to day....and I held great weight in the beginning in caring for their big feelings surrounding his leaving.....being the one to hold my kids while they cried endlessly.....looking at their sad faces, while trying to survive it myself........and fielding all of their feelings and questions.....and that will forever remain the most excruciating part.....watching them suffer from the front row....the person that leaves doesn't see most of that.....and my kids hid most of it from him when they were with him as much as possible, as to not push him further away.....no matter how many times I told them it had nothing to do with them......and later learning not much to do with me either.......but that is circling around again....my daughter is feeling hurt some about some stuff.....and watching her suffer, and now having the ability to articulate her feelings fully is tough.....really tough.....and she is clear, gosh she has such clarity for a little girl....it is shocking.....the stuff she articulates and says.....and I continue to reinforce to her the love her dad has for her.....because that is true.....and honor her feelings....giving them space to be heard and seen.....she needs that to be the case.....and it is so so important to not shush away big feelings....to let them have room to be expressed......and it has struck me so clearly lately that the jump to single mom was not a far one for me at all....I have been a single mom for a long time....having their dad work endlessly.....and missing so much of our family life....and stepping in to pick up the slack.....alongside my own full time job and career....and figuring it all out.....so learning to be alone fully was actually easier in lots of ways....not having to manage the him part.....and I do not say that in a bitter or ugly way...just as a true matter of fact....anybody that knows us, or were front row to all of that would concur with my assessment.....and so I guess as I say all of this this morning....it is as I anticipate Gabe's graduation.....and the awesome accomplishment that is, and how all that effort was worth it.....every bit of it....the showing up......the appointments, the early intervention, the therapies.....the trips to Philadelphia, the meetings at school, the practices....the games..... the concerts, church on Sundays.......court and endless forms.....ALL OF IT!!!! Every bit of effort and action, and standing in it all alone....and I am sure it will make me super emotional......a beautiful moment to behold.....not how I imagined all those years ago.....but apropos in its own right....I have been his ride or die all along.....taking the responsibility for his disability as my own......and doing all I could to help him live the best life he possibly could.....so here we are ......at a looking out point.....a time to stop the mountain climbing for a minute.....catch our breath some and look out, and behold all that we see:) Realizing every bit of it has been worth it......I could not be prouder of him as we approach this milestone xoxo