The last space.......that was ours.......

There is a recurring thing that nudges at me periodically as I walk along......and it resurfaces......comes to some kind of full circle and falls away, but then comes again.....and it resurfaced last night again after I did a coaching call with a woman......it is centering around the night he left......as we stood in the kitchen for the last time together and tried to say goodbye to our life of 20 years......and we didn't do a good job......I was too traumatized and leveled to have enough wits about me to say all I wanted to.......or needed to......and he was in some kind of state, where I am not sure the reality of it all had hit him at all.....he had sort of detached himself in some way, to enable him to walk out the door and drive away......so neither of us were equipped and capable of doing the things we needed to.....and now that space is gone........and maybe forever.......and the way that it ended strikes me often in its absurdity.......its abnormal state.....most people don't have that as the case, or maybe lots do, but I am thinking most folks have conversations as they separate and the end takes hold.....and the divorce settles in.......but for me I had only that tiny bit of time to cram in all the things.......I asked him not to forget us...... our life together...... our family.......through my tears and my wracked sobs......he told me he loved me and that I would find somebody else someday, and that I deserved better than him......that I was so strong all these years and my strength made him feel weak.....but we didn't have time to say all the real stuff.....the deep stuff......the real stuff.......our stuff.......and anybody that knows me knows my love affair with language and words......and the power that they hold.......and I wasn't ready to not say any more.......and maybe he wasn't either.......but due to the circumstances he has chosen that needed to be the case......for now.......so as healed as I feel.......as my feelings for him have been fully laid to rest......as I move on with my life......there are still a mountain of words lying between us always.......things that need to be said.......things left unsaid....and maybe things that never need to be said again......and perhaps I need to say the words on my own.....for now......write them......then burn them and release them......I am grateful that when I stand and stare at the mountain......or feel it between us, it doesn't make me feel stressed or wild to solve it anymore......it just is.......like the rest of it......and sometimes I am so curious as to what he REALLY thinks.......about all of it.......I sometimes think how interesting it would be if we could sit down.....across from each other.....and TRUTHFULLY.......recount the last 16 months to each other......his version and mine......and tell each other the stuff that each doesn't know about what has taken place......we used to share our lives and be interested in our stories.....and I would bet that we would both have interesting stories to share......ones that the other would be intrigued by for sure......and I am not sure why that notion comes up for me......interesting to think of I guess....and I truly am fascinated by the human condition......his too.......so as I nod to this coming up again......acknowledge the fact that this may be the only thing that sorta bothers me about the end......I try and find my way to accepting what is.......understanding that there is nothing to be done about it......and seek my own healing each and every day.......