The moments that take your breath away...

Since the moment I understood the feeling of grief, I have sort of pictured it living in your heart, or right below your chin in your chest......sort of hiding there once it settles in and the constant tears subside......in that space all that is needed to have it come and step forward is a small action, and that grief again takes center stage.....On Valentine's Day I had a moment like that.....Gabe was talking to my dad, and I was in the kitchen and he was talking about his dad and how his dad misses everybody......and the sweetness that he was speaking of him, the fact that he felt he had to answer for him, and the spirit at which he was saying it, pushed my grief spot and the tears came fast and suddenly and deeply once again......yesterday as I sat in my office waiting for virtual school to begin, Madeline was downstairs Facetiming her dad for her birthday and out of nowhere I began to sob, didn't give myself permission to cry, did not expect it, or welcome it, it was just there......my grief slipping out and taking me over......sometimes these moments happen as grief for me too, and all I have lost so suddenly......I welcome them when they come, invite them in, offer them a tissue, marvel at their strength, their power, and the intensity of all they feel........I know releasing each and every one is what I need to do....not bottle it or hold it, not hide it or fake it, just let it be......let it move through me.......my grief spot in my chest is full....it still houses old grief, old loss.....all of it bubbling there until something comes along to press that place in my heart where it feels safe to come out and take a deep breath.....the human spirit is beautiful truly, the ability to love and feel deeply is such a gift......on every single day.......I am in awe of the power of my emotions at times, of how deep they run, how much they mean.....I have deep respect for their journey too and what they will need to do to carry me to the other side of this mountain, where I can one day feel whole again........however I know that grief spot will never go away.....ten years from now something could push that spot and the valve will release again and let some more of it come out and go, let that grief be free.......let it heal.........