The things I miss.........

I am fortunate to not feel lonely too often......which I am always amazed by because it is just myself and my kids most of the time.......and for 20 years I had companionship nearmy every single day...........I feel like my children fill my heart and my time in a way that staves away the loneliness.......but there are absolutely things about being married and in a relationship that I miss......I miss having another person around that cares what I am up to.....knows what I am doing or what I have done in the day and is the person that meets me at the end of that day.......meets me in our home, our safe spot in the world........looks forward to seeing me, me them........I miss that.......I miss sitting on the deck with "my person," and talking about whatever......just anything.......enjoying the beauty and sunshine with them….I miss sitting at the table for dinner....the four of us.......that may be the one that feels the most difficult for me....when the three of us sit down to eat some nights, it still feels so strange to me.....so foreign…….I miss enjoying my kids with their dad.......sharing a smile about them......one that only he and I get.......yeah I miss that........I miss somebody knowing me so well..........and understanding certain things about me.......unspoken understanding.......ironically though as I am journeying beyond my marriage I am keenly aware that there were lots of things that he did not understand about me and who I am......who I want or need to be in this life.......but it is the things that he did that I miss.......I miss setting out to do yard work on a Saturday......him to his tasks, me to mine and meeting at the end of the day tired, sweaty, dirty, but full of accomplishment and satisfaction..........I miss seeing he and the kids play together, run around the yard, playing hide and seek.........I miss the four of us doing fun stuff together........sharing sweet family time......I miss cooking for him...........he always was appreciative of that and I enjoyed making something he loved......I miss binge watching something with somebody......looking forward to some silly show that we both enjoyed a great deal..............silly but true........I miss making life plans with somebody.....of what our lives would look like up ahead, or adding bucket list items to the docket.........sharing our shared goals or plans......I miss sleeping with somebody......being aware of their presence beside you as you sleep.........feeling that kind of comfort and presence in your day to day…and the peace that it brings to open your eyes and see your person there beside you…… but as I miss these things........I realize I really don't miss HIM........not who he was the last few years.......I miss the things we did……not the person doing them with me? If that makes sense……..when I imagine his energy reentering my life it brings unrest to my mind and stress to my soul.......the missing of the things I do are of moments in space and time........comfort and routines we established in our lives......ones that come into our lives through human contact and having another person around to fulfill them……and missing those things are different than missing the person.........there is a big difference......I have realized in his absence that he was bringing an angst and turmoil to me that I wasn't aware of through the decisions he was making in his own life.......there are tons of things that I miss about “once upon a time“ Nick and Jenn.........tons.......but in the missing of the things I have said it is the familiarity between two people that I miss…..a shared life........not the person......and it makes me so sad to type that.......I truly never felt I would ever see the day.....the day when I would feel that way about "my person"..........and the progression was slow......a whisper....that crept in......in through his shadows......and spread into all of our days.......and now in the absence of him I know I miss parts of our life......parts that I can reclaim one day....if I so desire…..or learn to adjust to living without.......but never again by paying the price I did for all those things before the end of our marriage…..not ever again........