The trauma that remains.......

So much of this journey has been about my healing......and I have.....in so many ways....but the fact remains I was heavily traumatized by what happened......and that trauma creeps in and pops up in unexpected places.....and I know when I have a relationship, it will come out to have its say.......it already has in certain situations......so the question is, what to do with that.....where to put that......how to conquer it......it is my last mountain to climb.....the grief over my family of four......over my marriage......has settled.....in the spot it will remain.....and peace has been made in my heart and soul on both accounts......the knowledge that I am better off, and the kids are too, helps that, cements it in a way that is clear and not ambivalent.......so that is good.....the grief that remains is like the grief I carry for the special people in my life that I have loved and lost.....so I opened up that box in myself and added this too......but the trauma......well that is a different story.....In the process of the end, finding out what he had done.......repeatedly......I physically shook......teeth chattering......whole nine over the shock and trauma that I endured in the fallout.......in those moments.....like getting hit by a bus and left on the side of the road......this happened on three separate occasions.......and my mind got repeatedly traumatized in the roller coaster of the end, and in the final betrayal that arrived from my "safest" person......so it is work I will need to do now......Now that the rest is cleared......I will need to focus deeply on this part......the trauma has been worked on among the rest as well, but I had healing to do before I could delve into that in the ways I have needed to...........I am going to discuss with my therapist starting the special trauma therapy he does, EMDR therapy to specifically focus on ridding my body of those moments of impact I endured......it is a fast and effective method to address trauma......we have been speaking by phone through Covid, but it may be time to meet up at his office now and try it......it is super intense......but will accomplish what I want to.....which is to rid myself of more pieces of this.......so I can live the fullest life possible.......because as healthy and happy as I have become.......I know I have created a wall around myself to some degree.......not wanting to put myself out there too far to protect myself.......if I don't do any of that, I won't get hurt......simple.......and effective........but questionable......... in terms of being totally healed and healthy.......I am giving myself grace and time too.....It has only been a little over a year.......and I feel I have already walked and climbed through so much......and this may take a few years or a little longer to sort through it all.......but I have the choice to not let it diminish my life in the meantime.....I can be aware of the work I have yet to do......but still feel free........still feel alive.......still feel fulfilled.......still feel inspired.......still feel strong.... still feel happy...still feel joy.....and still sing as I climb this last mountain......in the spirit of getting to stand on the top and check out the magnificent view! :)