The grief in this......

I went to a Christmas party at my brother's house yesterday.....and it was a nice afternoon....it was nice to see everybody, and their families and the wonderful busyness that has taken over their lives......I miss my babies being babies in a way that is hard to articulate sometimes.....despite my enjoying each of our chapters so completely......And I was kind of the only one besides my other brother and his wife, in that category....with older kiddos.......and there were the older folks, then us, then the younger generation with their young kids.....and as my 5 year anniversary of my new life comes quietly rolling up......and my 50th birthday peeking around the corner in May.....it has got me thinking.....I have spent the last decade alone.....for all intents and purposes.....in lots of ways that a person can find themselves feeling that......and I do not mean that there has been the absence of support.....of love....of people.....because that isn't true.....but the REAL work of the journey I have walked through, in this decade has been by myself......and in the absence of nurturing, and caring, and physicality that comes when you are in a partnership or marriage.....and I never expected that to be the case in the prime of my life.....ever.....and I have come to an acceptance about it all....so completely....knowing that what I am supposed to experience at any given point will arrive.....or be absent if that is the plan.....and in the absence of that kind of support, and presence in my life, I have found the gift of turning toward me....relying on me.....trusting me.....and I am grateful for those gifts....there is a safety in that, truly.....but also a sadness....I would be lying if that doesn't hit me sometimes.....never feeling like these years were "wasted" for lack of a better term.....because gosh it was the most pivotal decade of my life, coming packing so many blessings, but your 40s are indeed a special time....the bridge if you will between being a young person and hitting the older person years.....and I have spent it in solitude....and I guess it never hits me the same as it does when I am immersed in couples and families.....because my normal, now feels so normal......but sometimes I can be in a room full of my people and feel that feeling, feeling alone.....and I have done an intentional job of filling my life.....in the ways I have to bring a richness to my life, fulfillment in every way, and one I have never known....and it is just as beautiful, in my opinion as if I had been blessed with an awesome partner in this decade.....but there are pieces that are stark and real....and carry grief.....as the decade comes to a close for me.....Because before the 5 years I have just walked through, I was alone in my marriage....for a long time....and that is worse I think.....being alone when somebody is right there lying in your bed.....and the other piece is I like it....I really do like being alone.....in a way that I am not sure is always understood, until you have lived it.....but life is often not one way.....a series of contradictions that we walk in and through! So that's it....just a little exploration this morning to let the feels flow:) Today finds me taking my kiddos on the Santa train in Jim Thorpe! I grabbed the tickets yesterday, and they were not too expensive and I was shocked they still had them:) We are going to go and ride the train, hanging onto Santa:) And then grab lunch and walk around the town some.....I am so grateful my children were here with me in this chapter.....I cannot say that so completely.....they are my anchor in my alone.....giving me so much love.....Enjoy your Sunday:)