THIS struggle is real........sigh........

I anticipated the struggle that would happen when love touched down in my life....and now it has arrived.....and there is so much beauty in it, so much........ but it is a challenge for me......and my daughter......if she had her way it would be the three of us till the dawn of time, forever and ever.....and well.....some days I feel that way too. And not having to do with not feeling happy or in love......or hopeful about what could lie ahead......but more because I cannot fully articulate the wonder and magic I have found in the space of being on my own with my kids, I have loved every minute of it.....and it is challenging for me too, to feel the change taking place in our circumstance some.....and really due to the fact that it is not in my day to day....and distance being present, it is essentially the three of us, mostly.....and there is comfort in that for now.....a time and space to acclimate some.....and I am most definitely struggling to do what I know is right for me in this chapter, and protect my kids to not have to deal with any of that.......I cannot spare her having to challenge herself as it pertains to this subject any longer, if that makes sense?? I mean let me rephrase that......I could......I could wall myself up, and not leave myself open to any of it.....and we could be the three of us till she was grown and then well.................but that would not be healthy for me, or her in the long run.....I know that.....and it is the challenging stuff that helps us grow.....I also know that deeply.....but it is the in between that is yikes.....it is not easy to watch her struggle with the idea of it all.....I have devoted the better part of four years in the aftermath to them....and really long before my ex left....my kids have always been my main priority....and I spent most of my time with them in my marriage too.....since they were born........and that won't change.....they will forever be my priority....and the space I have created for them is theirs.....but I am not naive to think that things may change.....and in ways that will make us all uncomfortable, or ask us all to evolve and grow some....and they will have to share some of their mom......my kids, my daughter particularly so, feels like I will leave her like she feels her dad did....and that I will like somebody else more than her.....or love them more than her.....and no matter how many times I talk to her, and reassure her, and tell her that will never happen.......that fear lives deep inside of her....and part of it challenges me, because it feels like sometimes in this story I have paid dearly for the things he has done, over and over....in so many ways....and it pokes my justice button and feels wildly unfair......but I don't allow myself to spend so much time there.....I choose to spend my time and energy on helping her adjust, and navigating this the best way I know how.....honoring and listening to her feelings....validating them.....and working through the process with her....but also honoring my journey too, and knowing that this is meant to be a part of it at this time....and I have no idea how this will translate long term, or if it will......or any of it.....and that part is fine by me....I think taking it as it comes is the best way......and the circumstances are such that it is appropriate for my kids to become a part of it some....to not keep it so separate.....so here we are.....arrived in the space that I saw coming.....and with big work to do in front of us.....and I have faith we will overcome of this all too....one conscious action followed by another......amen