With all due respect........you don't........

As I work with more clients and evolve in coaching, I am increasingly struck by the good meaning folks in everybody's lives......my clients sharing that somebody told them___________and that they should get over ____________and do this____________. And much of what lives in those blanks is well meaning stuff, I think.....but normally to the person it is expressed to, it feels devoid of compassion or empathy.....like completely.....and maybe it isn't so well meaning......maybe people try to shush others pain and heartache......or minimize their experience for their own comfort? Unconsciously............For it to be "enough already"........I remember years ago, a couple of months after my sister passed away......being in the cemetery with a friend, a good friend of mine at the time, and having her basically say something to the effect of the fact that I should be "over it" by now.......and I let that friendship go......right then......and in hindsight I get what that was about then.......she was a friend that had a ton of drama at the time, in her relationship......and I was the person she called all of the time, and dumped it all on for hours......my listening.....offering solace, and understanding, holding space for her stuff........and in the wake of my sister passing I had no space in me for that role at that time.......no room for all of that, and our friendship required her to now step up, and that was uncomfortable for her........and again.......I am not sure it wasn't sorta well meaning.......her wanting me to not feel so sad about my sister, I am sure that was a part of it......but the truth was, it hadn't been that long.....and grief takes as long as it takes.......and even that last sentence......SEE I felt like I wanted to clarify to you, as the reader the timeframe we were speaking of......as if there is a time limit on how sad I get to be, or for how long, about losing my baby sister!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........THAT is what I am talking about.......and so the more and more I work with people, I realize that being a person that HOLDS SPACE for people's pain and suffering is NEEDED.........it really is.......not rushing them through their pain.......and the beauty of coaching is it isn't a place where a person remains stuck........or immobile.......I do not think that is the best thing for anybody.....and not because I think they should feign anything.....maybe they are immobile for awhile......I remember after my ex leaving staring at the wall for huge spans of time......needing to just be.......and we should understand when the people we love need that.....but what I am talking about is the next space.....where the wound begins to become integrated......the pain becomes a part of us amid our normal lives......and we begin to carry on......and with all due respect, WE NEVER KNOW how a person feels about ANYTHING, not in a real sense anyway......and if we are lucky we are wired with an imagination.....one that is deep enough to imagine how somebody might feel......but even if we have walked a similar path......or the same one we DO NOT KNOW.......and really it isn't our business TO KNOW.......but it is our business to help others feel SEEN and UNDERSTOOD......to hold them up when they need it.......to listen to THEIR experience and believe it.......not shush it away.......or minimize it or anything.......just BELIEVE that what they are sharing, is their own experience of what is happening, whether we can relate to it or not......or whether we can really understand.......other people don't need that as much as just acknowledgement.....eye to eye.........heart to heart........from the most sincere spaces we have within us......that's it.......so as I started this blog with I get told over and over about the pain that my client's loved ones cause by their well meaning actions......if you are reading this and somebody you love needs you and is suffering right now......just be there......maybe wrap your arms around them.....tell them it will be alright.....say I understand.......because one thing we ALL CAN understand, is suffering, or being in pain......so while your friend, or your family member may be facing__________and that specific thing you don't get........you do get suffering, having suffered something else......and just hold the space......the space for the person's pain to breathe......to have its say.......to have some of the power in it all dulled.......and if you do that, laying judgement down, well.........you will have done A LOT, Happy Wednesday......xoxox