A rebellious rule follower???

I have known in a deep way that my life, myself, my path is different than so many people I know......never getting the standard package.....whatever that meant to me as a kid....and maybe now as a grown woman, the soccer mom package lol:) That has not been my lot....and I do not mock that path, at all, that isn't what the lol is.....it is just an awareness that that has not been my experience in the world.....my life has been tough, and maybe saying that and acknowledging it this morning fully is something I need to do.....I have been climbing big mountains in my life for decades.....DECADES.......one big one after another....and sometimes I wish the typical soccer mom experience was for me, my lot.....a hubby, some kids, maybe more simplicity.....except I now know enough to know that no matter how "easy" another person's journey appears on the outside, that just isn't so.....so I think I have done a good job of embracing THIS life.....celebrating it.....falling in love with the challenges....the unique twist and turns, the heartache.....the heart pounding joy, the immense blessings.......ALL of it....but this morning I am going to get a little woo woo on you, please stay with me and keep an open mind;-) PLEASE? ;-) I had a pretty deep realization this week, that connected the dots on what I have been feeling ALL of my life....I sometimes shoot a text to my astrology gal to speak of the energy that is out there....and I have mentioned that I am a Taurus girl......Tauruses are rooted in home....all things beauty....aesthetics, but also great food, nature, luxury, shopping lol etc.....and making a cozy and wonderful and grounded home is at the heart of their desire.....and that has always spoken to me.....I remember having it be important, even in college, to have my "home" feel like me and be cozy etc......and I have spoken about having always wanted a family....in the DEEPEST sense....and realizing the irony of losing that traditional family after my divorce....the irony of losing the one thing I thought I needed in this life, and well you know the rest of that story;-) but then there has been this fiercely independent part of me.....unconventional.....rebellious sort of that battles my rule following Taurus......and that quirkier side likes innovation, ideas, expansion....the other rebels..........the road less traveled......and in astrology, based on our birth date, time and location we all also have a rising sign....and mine is Aquarius......which speaks to all of what I just shared.....so this week another lightning bolt struck.....and made me realize, more deeply what I have been FEELING all of my life.....these two things that live within me....they are in deep contrast.....one part longing for a "traditional" home.....the other part longing to live free and unconventionally.....and Aquarius rising folks often have a life that is lived beyond the normal realm, whatever that means right lol:) So you can imagine, even if you are not into woo woo;-) that being pulled so strongly in both of those directions is complicated, in all the ways.....and I suppose it is kind of crazy that my marriage, and relationship spanned 20 years.....that home part of me winning, and digging in.....but I suppose what having that clarity come did for me, is help me understand myself better, and realize that this push pull I have felt my whole life, isn't in my mind.....and I think that is what the gift of astrology has been to my spiritual path....helping me understand myself, and others better.....and I have this dating event coming up this week, and I am excited to get out and mingle;-) but I would be lying if I said I am not scared some....because what I also realized this week with the Aquarius rising business, is that I have lived FREE for 5 years....and the idea of sharing my life and home with another person is_________________. lol:) So many words I could put there.....so foreign at the moment.....I saw a funny reel, another single friend sent me....and it was Carol Burnett, and she was being interviewed, and saying how much she loves to read when she wants....watch TV when she wants.....sleep when she wants....and if she got married again.....well....he would have to live next door lol:) And well.....yea.....lol:) I laughed a little too hard at that....I am never lying or fronting when I share how seductive single life has been for me....the peace.....the quiet.....the ease.......the lack of drama.....all of it.....so yea, having that aha moment come and find me.....knowing that two things live inside of me....that are in contrast of one another, is both helpful and thought provoking....and I think we all have that.....yin and yang.....contradictory places that reside within us.....and I still hold the belief that when I meet the RIGHT man, all of what I said will be moot.......that the giving up of my single sanctuary of a life is effortless, because the gain is immense.....and truth be told that is the only scenario where I would even consider it.....and I know I need an independent man too....somebody that functions some like me......has his own stuff too....and respects my independent spirit......Carol Burnett being right on point lol:) So while my journey has been unconventional, and definitely tougher than I had hoped it would be......I also would not trade the magical things it has brought me.....I am guessing the "normal" track would have bored me to tears lol:) And you cannot touch magic, till you have touched excruciating pain and depth......I believe that......so all the chapters I have lived have shaped me.....grown me.....all of it, leading me to right where I belong, which is here......ready for my next chapter.....and hoping that the deep lesson, mountain climbing, excruciating growth chapters are done....and for the remainder of my journey I can use those lessons and wisdom to change the world!! While still growing and evolving every step of the way, AMEN!! Happy Sunday:) xoxo