Becoming HIM...

I fell asleep last night, rookie mistake......I don't know what I was thinking....my gal wanted to sleep with her mama and I was so tired.....this cold has gotten so much better, but it definitely has zapped my energy amid the holiday bustle.....and I closed me eyes.....and well....we know what happened, out cold lol:) Luckily my daughter woke up talking in her sleep and hot.....and she woke me up, and then quickly fell back to sleep, so I could do my Santa stuff....and since this journey began, something about doing the Santa thing on my own has felt weird......And each year since, this journey has begun, I have felt grateful when I could pull it off, and sit in the moment, the moment of arrival and completion.....but there is something about THIS year where my new life has so fully become just my life......no new and old.....just my own......and last night as I awoke and was so grateful I didn't blow it, lol:) I realized as I pulled it off, I AM SANTA.....not an imposter......not stepping into the role.....nothing abnormal in any way, I embody Santa now, in all the ways:) .....I am all the things, the magic maker, the money maker, the safe place, the jolly fella;-) and have been all along for my kids. And it felt like arrival somehow......stepping into HIM.....there are so many times that I am asked to to be the "Man" of my house....and truthfully I don't love that role.....when my shear pins went on my snowblower the other day, I did not want to solve it.....at all.....but if I don't nobody will....the buck stops with me....which some days feels exhilarating, and other days exhausting.....it is an awesome responsibility, and one I do not take lightly.....the weight of no other adult to default to, for anything, when you are raising kids can feel like a lot......but last night felt like I had arrived at a place as this year is coming to a close.....that THIS life.....is OUR life....SO FULLY, and COMPLETELY.....and as I sit here this morning amid the lovely Christmas rubble, :) I am reminded of it, so completely....being given the gift of having every single thing I have needed to LIVE this life, every step of the way.....and for that I am so grateful....I do my best to not stress and just work hard and trust the journey each day....and do my best at each turn and that is enough....it really is....I am glad for the break, and time to catch my breath....and rest and renew! And it feels like a finish line of sorts in more ways than one:) Ending this year as a completion of a piece of my journey......eyes forward! Ready for the growth of a new year, and grateful for the growth in this year.....helping me find Santa within myself so fully! Till next year big guy, or gal as it were;-) Merry Christmas everybody:) enjoy the day loving and snuggin on your people:) xoxo