This part is tough, ouch.....

On January 7th of 2026, it will mark the 5 year anniversary of my being a resident in my new life.....and as I have said there is so much of it I have really enjoyed.......new adventures...new paths....a fresh new perspective in every part of my life.....renewed health....spirit......peace......joy.....love.......all of it.......like a magic carpet ride I never asked to ride:)......but as 5 years approaches, there is some grief......grief in the acceptance of living the last 5 years with nearly no affection, or physicality......very minimal.....and that is a long time in a person's life.....especially a younger person. And anytime I touch on this for the single folks.....I am not just referring to just physical intimacy, I am acknowledging so much more.....a hug to say I know you had a tough day, I am sorry.....or a presence in the night lying beside you......making you feel presence in such a subtle way.....holding hands.....cuddling up.....all of it.....and the truth is I lived without lots of that during many years of my life....due to my own discontent, and withdrawing within sometimes due to so many larger issues.....and I have learned to live in that space......relying on myself.....to meet my own needs.....but some cannot be met by myself.....that is just the reality......and in the last 5 years I have not sought out cheap fixes to this piece....or casual encounters.....because that is not me and not what I seek..........and I do not judge other single people for navigating it in a way that makes sense for them either.....at all....we are all wired in different ways.....needing to be true to ourselves.....And I believe that what I seek, truly.....will be worth the wait....but when I think of it being nearly 5 years, it is kind of profound......that is a substantial amount of time, all of a sudden....and I have written often, about my reluctance to fully seek a true partnership too.....for so many reasons, mostly my children, and I own that it is on me mostly too to some degree......and it has not been a big part of my life.....I have needed this time on my own too, I know that so completely, and I am content in so many ways......and I mean that so sincerely......there is a sweet level of comfort that permeates my life so fully.....and so the urgency doesn't live in seeking a relationship......and I am clear on what I am seeking now....and I won't enter into just anything to fit the bill......just to say that I have somebody....but 5 years......it really is a long time.....party of one....lone ranger vibin lol:) and I would be lying if I said there is not some sadness there surrounding that fact.....due to my knowing I am in a prime part of my life....and I know age is just a number, and I know I plan so fully to feel and treat myself in ways, that will help me feel young and vital as I travel! I have been shown the power in that.....but your 40s are a special time, and I am watching mine close......and realizing much of the decade, I spent alone....even when I was married...and I guess the grief lies in that.....I had my daughter when I was 40, and never imagined what would lie beyond that......so this morning I am just giving it a voice is all...feeling the pang....and exploring the feelings that live there.....and some things don't have a solution....and as a problem solving human, I have learned to accept that......and I have truly.....and maybe the other piece is the disbelief I find in it.....like I never thought....and the disbelief often finds me, in different ways and for different reasons.....so I know when I have that piece in my life again......hopefully for the long haul;-) I will meet it with deep appreciation, and understanding for the gift that it is....and if you have that kind of presence and affection in your life....hold it close, and appreciate it, it matters, I promise it does:) Happy Monday!