In my life I have always loved hard......I suppose in my youngest relationships maybe it was infatuation some mixed with some deeper complicated feelings.......but there is no question, when I love you, I love you fiercely, and with a loyalty that is true and very real......it takes a lot for me to give up on somebody, or to realize that my love was misplaced.......and maybe that is a good thing.......not sure.......and I am far from perfect......I have flaws, complications in love, challenges, the same as any, but my love......it is indeed genuine and has always been given freely in the spirit of faith and trust.......and yet no matter how deep and wide it has run......it has never been returned to me in that way......never.....and sometimes that notion gives me such a pit in my stomach......and makes me feel a little sorry for myself......that is a place I don't live, or am comfortable being in......but the awareness comes and it doesn't stay long......but passes by with my acknowledgement..........like how can I love so hard and have been so let down by love in this life, over and over??? It is curious to me........however I did have a pretty cool epiphany surrounding all of this recently, that I was talking to somebody about yesterday.......I have people pretty often these days tell me how good I look, or how happy I look, or how calm I look or how peaceful, or younger you get the idea and it is so humbling and sweet.......because I truly feel so good in so many ways....it touches my heart to have people see what is going on inside of my heart on the outside, but more importantly it is this.......it is me finally pouring my fierce love into somebody that appreciates it, ME.........it is the manifestation of what it looks like to receive Jenn's love and appreciate it.......I took all that love I had poured into him and my marriage and turned it around......and started pouring it into the kids and I......and you know what they are a result of that love too......they are testaments to what happens when you appreciate love......they are great kids and I am so proud of the both of them.....they let me pour into them and appreciate the love they receive too......so I suppose for the first time fully in all my life the love I am giving.......to the three of us.....is being appreciated and utilized in the spirit it has been given.....and it feels good to see my love in action, in a way that actually makes sense and doesn't feel futile.......and as I have talked about a bunch.....I do not know what my future holds......and I send mixed messages to the universe about love indeed;-) but there is this......I do hope one day I meet a man that rivals my ability to love......loves me in the ways I love him.......and that I achieve that balance in this lifetime.....not just me giving and giving and them taking and taking......a perfectly balanced dance of fierce love.......equally given........it has most definitely been a consistent theme......and I would be so grateful if it could be resolved in this lifetime, in the meantime....and for the rest of my life I will remember to always love myself and never forget no matter what comes......that to love another well doesn't mean to sacrifice myself......never again.....
jperuso
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