I spotted the whale! .......

There is a whale that lives inside of me......I believe he lives in all of us....and I have written about him before....using the whale as an analogy......he carries my grief and pain.......and we coexist.......I often finding him swimming peacefully inside of me.....both of us knowing that grief cannot be extinguished, not fully anyway....it needs to be something we make peace with.....over and over again, and I see him sometimes.....metaphorically speaking of course;-).....he comes to the surface, and catches in my breath.....sometimes filling my eyes with tears.....filling my chest, like a conduit between myself and the pain I carry....and I have come to learn that healing is not linear.....as I have mentioned.....many times, it is a circle.....and sometimes you get to close a circle, love when that happens.....and sometimes you don't, it just gets smaller.....and there is also nothing finite about healing....no end date.....perhaps it is a lifelong process.....and the health in it, is when we carry consciousness alongside our healing.....doing our best to not have our wounds bleed on others.....I had a dream the other night where I saw the whale.....I think it really was the one that I have spoken of ironically lol:) I was at a house on a lake....not my future lake house;-) but a house on a lake.....my first ex boyfriend there, random......and this whale came out of the water and crashed through the house.....it was sorta menacing, but not really.....I wasn't scared.....it was just a disruptive moment in a huge way....and I saw every detail of the whale.....and I when I woke up, I knew what that whale was.....as the 5 year anniversary is quietly crawling up.....January 7, 2026, will be 5 years since the earthquake that found my life and set me on this path happened....and I carry profound grief related to the relationship I have with my ex husband now....or the one I don't have I guess....and I think what it is more than anything is the disbelief still related to it all, that this is how it is now.....and my experience of him is what it is......I never would have imagined that this would be the story.....even in the aftermath a divorce between us.....I would have bet on us being friendly, being good co parents for our children, having access to him to support me in being their mother........all of it.....and where he is concerned, I am asked to grieve the living.....the person I knew, or thought I did, long gone.....never to be seen again....and my whale carries that, but that just being a piece of what he holds for me....and he is peaceful....swimming in my depths......happy to help me hold it all.....so that I can live free:) So I don't have to have all of that spill into my sea......and when he surfaces.....and I feel him, I know it is my cue to look at what he wants me to see, wants me to feel, and take the time to do the healing related to it.....so that is what I am doing.....I am grateful for the whale....because the wounds I have are deep and painful, and without him, THIS life would not be possible......it would be too heavy to carry it all.....I am guessing the whale and myself will coexist all of my life......grief never finding an end.....my healing journey lifelong.....and I am OK with that......I know that I have already come so far.....and healed so much.....and using my voice and my keyboard....to express what I need, so that I stay well.....and I have accepted it.....at first I thought there would be a final healed day, like yay, here I am:) l0l But that was foolish......I have accepted the part where I will alchemize these wounds forever.....but there is so much beauty that pours from my wounds......and beauty found in the wounds, beauty I use to help others......and well......what a beautiful gift that is! Happy Saturday:)