I will never understand.......................

I need to just accept that I won't ever understand what Nick has done and who he has chosen to do it with.......I just won't......even if he were to sit in front of me and give an explanation I am not sure I would suddenly understand........none of it makes any sense to me......but the biggest piece for me that will never add up is the part where he is missing his children grow up......missing their day to day.......missing their lives........I have told him a few times through this process there is not a place on the earth I would be where my children are not there with me......there just isn't.........no matter what........and he felt the same at a point in time.......verbalized that notion himself and yet..........so it makes me wonder what happens to people........like what really happens to people when they give into their brokenness..........when they break.........where is the moment when the price you thought you would never pay becomes one you are willing to pay.......choosing to pay....... the place where you decide you are choosing to watch some other person's children grow up and missing your own.......changing your relationship with your children forever......losing sweet time as it passes and missing the day to day magic of your own children.......when does that happen? And because it is so shocking, such a huge price to pay it evokes compassion in me for him.....knowing there must be such brokenness in him from his life's journey to have chosen such a thing and to live in those consequences forever........sometimes I wonder if it is because I am a mother that I feel so strongly about my kids and staying with them, but then I know that there are plenty of fathers out there that feel that way too.......fathers that see the preciousness of their children and would never put anything above that......not anything.......the irony being I truly believed I was married to one of those men......I really did.......all along feeling his commitment to fatherhood.......to doing it well.......to showing his kids every single day the depth of his love for them.......and he did........he truly did.........at one time he was one of the best fathers I had ever seen.........in all of my life............and he was MY children's father...........he belonged to my children.......and now........he doesn't..........he belongs to another life......a tragic one without his children in it........relegated to four days a month........two weekends......while the world he helped creates keeps spinning here, with me keeping it going.........as I said I will never understand........and maybe he won't either............not ever..........actions carry serious consequences.......ones that in some cases carry a life sentence.......and unfortunately I think he will now be serving one.........for the rest of his life........